what to say for myself [ 2008-11-12, 11:28 p.m. ]

Well, Diary,

What do I have to say for myself? Not much, sadly.

Elliot took me out to dinner last night. It was actually okay, and he's been asking me a lot more about myself- he still talks a lot, and at times it's a little awkward, but, what can I do?

Then, because we were so close to my place, we came back here, and I told him that I just felt unavailable, because I was going through a lot of stuff (No, I didn't tell him that I was in love with a guy with the same name...) and I didn't feel like I wanted to have sex because it would just mess me up and distract me from fixing myself. He said he understood, and he was really kind, and we talked a lot and kissed and just hung out, and it was fine. But I wonder, because he seems REALLY attached to the physical act of sex, but I really don't feel that emotional ZING that I need to be with someone... I just don't feel that with him.

Sigh.

So he left after midnight... and I couldn't fall asleep, as usual. So I took out my vibrator, and for the first time in my life I had a HUGE gushing orgasm all by myself and purely with use of the vibrator on my clit and no internal stimulation... that is very different for me and wow! It felt great to do it myself and without a partner... :)

Still couldn't sleep even after THAT so I watched one of my favorite movies and played solitaire until 8am... then I slept till about 2pm. Did some errands and prepared for Howard coming over since he is going to assist me for work in some of the coming weeks, so we needed to talk about some things.

Elliot didn't call, even though I did see that he was online, there was no contact today and I do notice that general feeling of sadness at being ignored. Even though my rational brain knows better and even Elliot were ignoring me now because I didn't want to have sex, it would be all the better because I nipped it in the bud. But just noticing these feelings still tell me that I have a habit of feeling rejected and that in itself kind of bums me out...

More work to do, I suppose. I know it is good that I spoke my mind. I'm still wondering about doing what I'm doing even when I know I'm not that attracted, I know in the long run he's probably not good for me, etc. etc. I am watching myself and it's almost like I can't stop myself!

There was another guy named Tee that I met on the bus the other day and I gave him my number. He did call me so I guess I will call him back and play with all this man-energy that's happening in my life. And just keep watching myself...

Love,
Duck

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