I am in a bad mood today. I should not be allowed to talk on the phone, so I'm officially giving myself the rest of the day off!

I of course stayed up too late- there is no reason for it anymore. And I wanted to sleep more but I know I have to change my sleep schedule. For real!

The good news is that two out of the four people that owe me money have sent me payments. Yay! That is awesome. I still have to track down the other two. One I feel is avoiding me for sure, the other just had a baby so I will give her a break.

My phone just rang but I'm not answering it unless I absolutely have to. I am in just such a mood.

Part of it might be me just noticing how I feel I haven't changed at all. There are ways where I feel just as needy, if not needier, than before. Plainly, I am upset that Elliot didn't call me. But I realize too that I am forming a rejection scenario in my head before anything has really happened. This is what upsets me. Why do I do that and how can I stop?

So the guy didn't call me... big deal. There are two possibilities:

1. That he WILL eventually call me, and right now he is just doing his thing and I am doing mine. Unfortunately, mine is to worry because I've had so many men disappear. It doesn't even matter that I don't like him so much.

2. That he will never call me again because what he really wanted was sex, and he's actually a using asshole. In which case this is the best thing that could have happened to me because then I am not wasting my time with another user.

So, it's not really about him. It's about me. And my own sickness. And how terrified I am of rejection, even from a person that I am convinced I'm not meant for. It doesn't seem to matter...

And most likely it's just scenario #1 anyway. The guy was already acting like we are dating, calling me baby and whatever. Using future terms. But who knows. He could be imagining lots of things happening in the future that aren't actually happening.

The important thing is for me to feel how flipped out I am right now. There is something very funky about me, this is how I live my existence! That's fucked up. Not right. No wonder... no wonder is all I can say. I see I made the right decision about Alphie. I don't need this in my life, feeling attached to someone and then wondering why they don't call me, where they go.

Ugh.

I really need to go to the bank, but it is raining and I don't feel like going outside.

I definitely don't feel like calling M if I am still this needy and fucked up.

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