There may be a theory that perhaps I am moving on, but maybe I am resisting, kicking and screaming.

But I know something is wrong. I know nothing has been fixed. This is the way I always used to live- still. Be with someone, but as soon as they were gone a bit too long, I would go into a panic about losing them forever. Being in a relationship where I was in love with someone, and then getting rejected and my heart broken, and then moving into a relationship with the next man not because I was very attracted to him, but because he was THERE.

I don't know. Maybe that is how relationships work, maybe that is how you get over someone. But I am afraid, afraid of losing myself again. It has happened so many times, and I felt that with Alphie it happened for two years in a row. I don't want to go there again, experiencing that. It is too painful, and in the end I have nothing... and it feels like a waste of time and love.

So what do I do? I've been trying to reach Serena since I consider her as my mentor and I value her opinion. My therapist is okay and often puts things into perspective, but I really want to bounce some things off of Serena. Unfortunately she's been on vacation for about two weeks and is impossible to reach on the phone...

I guess one of the best things I can do is continue to say what I really feel. I already told Elliot that I do not feel available. I might have to say more- about how afraid I am of losing myself. He cannot help me find me- that is impossible. I have to do it myself.

I have a pretty full schedule for the next couple of days. That guy Tee called and tried to make a date. I told him I could meet him for a drink after he gets off of work and before I go in (he has a 9-5 job and I tend to do my presentations in the evening) but he seemed to have trouble understanding what I was talking about. Also, he didn't seem to have much to say in general so I suspect he is either nervous, or BORING. A little in the same vein as Paul... not very interesting overall.

But, oh well, I mean it is not so easy for me to just meet any old person and have this connection with them, maybe I am just a weird girl and I require more- lively conversation and whatnot. At least with Elliot we are finding things to talk about and when he talks too much about himself, I make fun of him a little bit and he can totally take it in stride and even laughs about it... so... maybe if I am really honest and even tell him when I feel overwhelmed and like I am losing myself, he will respect me and back off and I can honestly look at it... it could be like an experiment and a learning experience for me.

Maybe.

I have this little fantasy in my head... it's dumb, but I'll tell you anyway. That I am out with Elliot and we run into M. And we exchange pleasantries and whatever, maybe M is out with someone else. But we say goodnight, nice to see you, and I hug M and tell him in his ear, "Just so you know, you are the man I love."

Maybe I should just call him and tell him that, regardless.

Love,
Duck

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