Dear Diary,

I wanted to write yesterday but I was both tired and a mix of feelings... ashamed and confused at all that is coming up.

The day before yesterday Elliot and I had a big discussion about one of his ex-girlfriends (or lovers, or whatever, I cannot keep it straight in this polyamory thing) whom he was having some sort of disagreement with- she is with someone else now, and of course Elliot does not object to her being with other people, but just this one particular person, whom he feels is a bad man.... so they were having some sort of argument and he asked me my opinion on it. I gave it.

Then I find out that this woman, whom we shall call Valerie, was going to be at my workplace on Friday evening (weird- too hard to explain, whatever). I thought Elliot had mentioned picking me up there, so I quickly called him and informed him that she was going to be there, in case he didn't want to put himself in that position. He seemed to appreciate me telling him, and said he would not be stopping by. He had previously asked what my schedule was for Saturday, assuming we'd go out after I was done with work. So when I talked to him yesterday, I told him my friend was in a show and we could go see her... to which he replied that he had plans for Saturday night. So I guess he was planning on squeezing me in Saturday afternoon before his later plans. I felt like a bit of a dolt after that, and we hung up without making any plans at all....

I went into my usual withdrawal, went to work... Elliot texted me after work but I was out eating with Bethany, her roommate Kit, and another friend... he asked me how work went, but I didn't reply... okay I never thought I would play such games but honestly... the feedback I get from women who actually have boyfriends, and even my guy friends, continually say that I overgive and contort too much for men. I just don't want to do that anymore... especially for a guy that is just like Alphie!

To top it off, went on FB and saw that Elliot had posted on his blog about some sex party he went to, and having sex with three or four women in one night...(incidentally the morning after the night he was here) he described it all in detail... I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I kind of feel like I did when I was going out with Don. I knew Don was dating and sleeping with everybody... I knew I would never sleep with him...

Anyhow. Hardly slept, went to work... a long day. Went to Bethany's and she gave me a massage...it was so good for me... then out to eat with her and Kit. Kit is quite flirtatious with me... he is looking cuter and cuter these days. But I have a feeling that it would be a bad idea to date my friend's roommate.

Don't seem to have a lot of options these days.

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