Dear Diary,

Well in answer to your question, beanie, nope, I don't think this was a made-up story at all... I do believe it's a true lifestyle! Stranger things have happened, I suppose...

There is a way of course I have my own fantasies and curiosities but the fact remains that around strangers I tend to feel a lot of sleazy energy and like I am being used... so I could never do that... too many abuse issues I guess.

And I guess Elliot is just who he is. We talked yesterday after my very busy day... another full, full day of work (which is GOOD- money! - but then the money all gets spent on traveling to see family for the holidays- which in my book feels wasteful... so I guess you know how I feel about my family). I had slept 3 hours and steamrolled through the day like a champ, but by ten o'clock I was fading fast... Elliot called and wanted me to come over, but I said it was not possible... so we talked on Skype, which we've never been before. He has a camera, but I do not, so it was kind of like watching the Elliot show, where I could see him and his reactions but he couldn't see me.

He wants to get together this week and it is all a matter of me picking a time and he will take me out. But I don't know what's happening. I have to work tonight so that's out... and tomorrow I might go out to dinner with Red, but he hasn't decided yet. All these plans hingeing on someone else's plans!

So I did finally reach Serena and asked her a few situations. I told her about Elliot and what I was experiencing, kind of like with the attitude of, do I have to shut this person completely out of my life? And she said no, but I should not get involved on a level that overwhelmed me and negatively affected my self care. For me, that means definitely no sex. Alphie and I hung out together and even when it was very long distance, I totally lost myself. He and I only had sex 5 or 6 times (it felt awful to me) but for whatever reason that did not stop me from being connected to him and getting all wrapped up in his bullshit. So I feel like I have to be extra careful. I haven't seen Elliot in a week... I think it's necessary to have lots of space with this person.

It still took me quite a while to fall asleep, but I did- and didn't want to wake up this morning! I could lie in bed all day... but I have lots to do!

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