Dear Diary,

Last night Elliot took me out, on a real date- with drinks beforehand and then dinner. It was all very nice. I asked him some personal questions about his current living situation. He is still living with his ex-girlfriend, but they do not share a bed. Now they are more like roommates. He said they always had separate beds anyway, so it's not much different.

I did ask him how he felt about such a long relationship ending, and he kept telling me what he THOUGHT about it. Kind of like, "well I feel it is the natural progression of things and now it's better..." Finally I just had to say, "Those aren't feeling words. Feeling words are happy, sad, upset, discouraged, frustrated, confused..." to which he said he was glad.

It was very interesting also because we were talking about ourselves and he said, "I know one of the things I struggle with is self-absorption. I have to develop empathy." I was so impressed with this, because to me that was him being vulnerable. I guess he is less like Alphie than I thought.

That still doesn't mean I am any clearer about where this is going...

Anyway, I'm wondering how mortified Elliot was when after he paid the check, our waitress came up and asked him if there was a problem with the service, because it turned out that he only tipped her 10%. He fixed it, and I didn't even comment on it, but I kind of got the sense that Elliot has not been on "real" dates. I know he has previously been in a ten year relationship with an older woman- and I think when he met her he was young and she took care of things like this. There is still a way where I sense that he lacks some kinds of life experience.

The evening was fun overall, and at the end of the night he gave me a soft kiss on the lips and that was all. I thought that was interesting that he didn't try to kiss me more, since we'd already made out for awhile at my house. But he texted me this morning and then called me as I was getting ready to leave... and told me he was feeling like he was getting a cold. I said, "Oh, well that's why you didn't kiss me." And he said, "Well that, and because of where you are." Meaning he must have heard me when I said I was feeling confused and unavailable. Which might even mean he's not using me for sex. At least not now. It was a little uncomfortable because when he called this morning he said something kind of cheesy like he had a great time last night and was really enjoying our "budding relationship". It made me a little uncomfortable because he was so forthright in saying that and honestly I don't know how I feel.

I don't know. I am such a jumble of feelings. I still have a lot of worry, about M, that I have lost him forever. Anger that he could not be with me and appreciate me. Sadness and grief around that. Confusion about Elliot.

I told myself that re: the M thing- I will know when I am ready. And the perfect time to do something will be when I know... when I know I'm ready. Whether it's in regard to M or this guy or whatever.

I left for my flight and got to the airport only to discover that my plane was delayed two hours. I was so irritated, especially since I thought about double-checking the time before I left but I neglected to do so. Bwah. So I called Elliot and talked to him for the second time today, but he had to go back to work. After that I felt kind of foolish and that is the kind of stuff M and I used to do- talk a couple times a day- and it can feel like too much for a guy. So I promised myself I will not call him all the rest of this week. Stupid games. I hate them. But even when I had my session with the energy lady in January, she told me that I give too much and with guys I have to hold back. So since I don't feel much invested in Elliot right now, I suppose it is okay to practice this technique.

Don't worry, I'll let you know if he tries to coerce me into going to a sex party...

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