Dear Diary,

Well I am hesitant to write this in my diary but... my friend is pregnant. And cannot afford to be pregnant right now. The worst situation. So she needs to do something which is painful and is twisting her up inside. Both people who created this child are married to someone else, with children. If my friend tries to file for divorce while carrying someone else's child (it's obviously not her husband's), she could possible lose custody of her son. And she would have nowhere to go, no money or support.

I feel for her. It is a big mess. And, I am telling all my friends who believe that "pulling out" is a viable method of birth control that they are wrong! Get with it, people!

Another friend has filed for divorce and just had to implement a restraining order against her husband. He came back to their house, and legally could because he owns it. But then he said he owned all the mattresses because he paid for them, and he locked them all in one bedroom so my friend had nothing to sleep on. And he kicked in a window. Oh, the drama.

Be careful, be careful everyone! Don't marry someone you've known for less than two years. And use a condom, for cripe's sake!

Ugh. This morning I was reading all three of Elliot's text messages and trying to decide if I should text back, when he called. Lo and behold. Perhaps my methods are not crazy after all. He wanted to know when I was flying back, because, as it turned out, he wanted to meet me at the airport. What a nice gesture, although I thought it was a little crazy since he doesn't have a car. I was coming in a bit on the late side (Elliot has to work in the mornings) and besides B was picking me up anyway. But I told him he could come and get me on Friday when I come back from my family's. Tomorrow I might meet with him for just a moment between work engagements. I asked him if he wanted to have a quick smooch and he said, "I've been thinking about smooching you all weekend."

B is not at all impressed with the idea of Elliot and already has his mind turned against him. The more I get to know him, the more confused I become. Red just told me to enjoy the fact that a man is so interested in me and to not do anything I don't want to do. I just have to take it slow.

Friday will be one of the optimum dates for contacting M. I probably will not do it. I am still torn and intimidated. He is doing his thing. I am a mess. I am fat, unhappy and full of grief. Geez! I cannot put myself in such a vulnerable position. I don't know what I can do. Maybe just let myself be admired by this other man.

I had about four dreams with Serena in them. Sometimes I felt like I was disappointing her as a student. Last week Serena was talking about the dynamic of when we get so angry at someone because they are owning something we are not. Whenever I see pretty women, women I know M would think are pretty, I can get so angry. I think I am not owning my beauty. I tend to not think of myself as pretty or beautiful physically.

I guess I have to work on that.

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