Dear Diary,

Last night I tried and tried to post my update but it would not happen!

Today was a hell of a day. I worked and worked... all day. I met Elliot for lunch but was struck by an attack of menstrual cramps. In between bouts of intense pain, I asked him some questions about his relationships. Was his ten-year relationship over when he started going out with Valerie? Yes. Was he in a polyamorous relationship with Valerie? Yes. Gave me some of the details. What did he want now? He told me he currently has two lovers, and it sounds like he is looking for what polyamory people call a "primary" lover. Basically he made it sound like he was conducting interviews and it was between me and another girl, and I seemed a little more convenient because I didn't have a lover already...

It was very odd because he explained this to me and that was that, but he never asked me how I felt about it or said, "And what do you want?" There was a way that he seemed to take several things for granted; such as- never asking me if I was polyamorous, not asking me how I felt about being in that kind of relationship, or even if I would consider him as a primary partner.

What I said: I told him that I was in a point in my life where I'm not sure what I want- I feel a lot of confusion and particularly about relationship. And that I need some time to think about it.

In this case he seemed a little surprised and tentatively asked me if I still wanted to see him or should he give me some space... I said I was enjoying hanging out (most of the time, this is true...) but... the other stuff... I don't know. I think I do know, but I still had the rest of the night to go, and also I know from experience that it is always better for me to think things out before I get into details. I need some time to absorb what Elliot said.

Bottom line, what I'm thinking that I will eventually tell him, is that I want one boyfriend, who only wants to be with me... I never really had that... none of my relationships ever lasted past 18 months. In reality, if I had that one boyfriend and felt like it was the greatest relationship and was rock solid, maybe I would consider having some polyamorous experiences, etc. I am not totally against having that kind of fun. But, there is no guarantee I would feel that way. That's something I might consider if I felt the relationship could handle it. So it's nothing I would promise in the beginning of a relationship.

But I know, now anyway, what Elliot's deal is. He finds me very attractive, he makes that known. He does some sweet things, like calls to make sure I got home late at night, all that. He did also announce at lunch today, that he was not really in a financial place to pay for meals all the time, and that if we go out, we might have to go dutch. Hmm. Big turn off... I'm sorry, I am kind of an old-fashioned girl. And M definitely spoiled me... he bought me every meal, loved to feed me... and money was never an object there... he would never bat an eye at getting me anything I needed. Don also always paid, even when he was dating all those other women at the same time as me... so it's very odd. Really, if a man is kissing me, and fooling around with me, I don't pay. That's the rule inside my head. Otherwise, we are just friends or something and paying for our own dinners? It is just bizarre to me... old fashioned in some ways and modern in others, I guess!

It is confusing to me that Elliot has a steady job and I'm pretty sure he does NOT pay the bulk of bills where he is living (now still living with the ex-girlfriend)... but yet he does not get extra work, seems to have made very little progress in the realm of moving out or doing any of that. I guess the part of me that loves the masculinity in a man is very attracted to the idea that a man can provide- if not completely for me, then at least for himself. And Elliot isn't really doing that- he's still living off/with his ex, dating several women, and complaining about money.

Well really if men want to be such players and pick-up artists, they should be able to handle taking all those girls out!

Whatever. Red stopped by and met Elliot. His nickname for him is "Margarine" because he thinks Elliot is a very poor, poor imitation of M.

So it's not just my imagination.

I had this dream about M, that we were having really, really good sex. I mean really good. Then we stopped making love and he said, "And this is my friend, so-and-so," the guy was sitting in a chair right by the bed. Then something about two other women being there and M wanting to be in a polyamorous situation with them. So I climbed on top of M in the 69 position, and was kind of calling to the girls, "C'mon, come over here..." and I started giving M oral sex. But his penis was not the gorgeous penis I remember, but kind of like a flabby old guy penis! ew. Then he showed me this patch of skin on his chest that was irritated because he had shaved some of the hair off. It was a weird dream.

I'm sure if I told Keith about it, he would tell me that I am healing my relationship to M and letting him go. This is his answer to everything about M, that it's always about letting go. I realize that Keith kind of has an unrequited love theme to his whole life and he does what feels like constantly trying to apply that to my life. Like that is the definition of love for him. I notice that (a) Keith is not attracted to women his own age, but only younger women. He claims he doesn not find post-menopausal women sexy, but I also think maturity-wise that he could deal with being in a relationship with an older woman (b) He has many stories of relationships he got into/started but did not work out because the woman was "too wounded", had some trouble dealing with it, possibly blamed Keith, or was mean to him. He has kind of a victim mentality. (c) The unrequited love theme- something is always going on which prevents love from happening for him, and he kind of accepts this as his spiritual lot in life. I guess it is a way to look at it as lessons, but it seems a little along the lines of a belief system involving not being allowed to have the things you want. I am seeing this more and more.

So I guess there's no particular rule about how things are supposed to go, but everybody sees things through their own set of goggles. We create our own realities.

What do I want to make?

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