Dear Diary,

Today I ran some errands, and then hurried to meet Red. I had a little surprise for him- I made him a "romance bag"- a bag filled with candles, massage oil, bubble bath, and a box of chocolate.

No, don't get excited. Red and I aren't hooking up. He's got a girl coming to visit him.

Red is a bit weird. We are supposed to be good friends, but he's been witholding certain information from me! Such as, about a month ago he took a trip, and stayed with this woman he'd never mentioned to me before... then next thing you know he's back home and talking about moving in with this chick! That means moving across the country as well. I'd be bummed out, that's for sure... but Red has been talking about moving for quite some time. Anyway since we never got around to redoing his bachelor pad, I thought I'd help him out in the chick department.

I also went to therapy. It's always strange. Sometimes I think about quitting therapy, and then I'll have this interesting session right when I'm about to quit. We talked about rejection and two instances of sexual abuse which therapist says is why I have such trouble keeping weight off when I lose it. I get to a certain weight, then I seem to freak out and gain all the weight back. It connects to my difficulty in believing I can be pretty and how dangerous it feels to be pretty. It was a pretty eye-opening session.

I did go dancing tonight too. I always feel good when I dance.

I guess I will keep on dancing, do my best with the feelings, and hopefully things will level out.

Elliot sent me an email this morning, saying he wants to "take things to the next level" and give me a massage... touch my naked body and my luscious blah blah blah... either at my place or a friend's massage office - because of course, he still lives with his ex, it is impossible for us to hang out at Elliot's place. Keep in mind this was not an offer to nurture me or make me feel better, but rather a blatant statement of "I want to feel your naked body."

I just felt so irritated with the fact that we just talked last night, and I gave Elliot all these tips on how to talk to people and include them in the conversation (by actually asking their opinions and caring about their answers) and not assuming that everybody is like him and wants to do what he wants to do. His email was not even in the form of a question... he knows I haven't felt well in several days... ugh. I just feel put upon. I didn't reply and I didn't answer the phone when he called at midnight.

Things are becoming clearer and clearer.

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