#2

Dear Diary,

I so should be packing and cleaning my house right now, but I feel like crap. I suppose I should take a shower and wash my hair. Gail always says that a woman's hair is a big part of her sexuality, and if your hair looks bad it's hard to feel sexy. Well she might be right.

I have noticed I have been sneezing a lot and my eyes are watery and itchy. Doesn't exactly seem like allergy season though! When I told Red about it he said, "That's because you are irritated."

He commented last night that he thought I couldn't sleep before going to, or at, Gail's house because of her and my relationship. Well that makes sense. When I woke up this morning I felt like I could still hear her drama clamoring in my head. She is moving out of her house and going on a trip... and will find a place to live when she gets back. She is really freaking out about not having a place to live when she gets back. For sure she has friends and she can stay with them- it will work out- but she has to freak out about something or what will she do?

It gets so exhausting because there is never space for anything or anyone else. Now that I think about it, every month there has been something about her. Even this last time, as myself, Gail and Sandra were sitting in the car waiting for my bus, I had a realization. I felt like I am getting signs that I should just be still, and let all that I have worked for flow toward me. I have been working pretty hard this past year in the realm of personal growth, and maybe now is the time to let the results of all my work come back to me. But I realized, "I'm afraid to stop working. I know other people are afraid of change, but I'm afraid nothing will change, no matter how hard I work. That's why I'm afraid to stand still." When I said this it was such a huge realization that tears came into my eyes. I really am TERRIFIED that I will always be this person who has such a hard time being in relationship and having these unrequited love matches... I am afraid I will love M forever and my heart will be broken FOREVER.

And Gail didn't miss a beat and immediately said something about herself. She didn't give me any acknowledgement or hold any space around what I said. She is so wrapped up in herself... and I know I've known people like this before. When you meet them, they are in some kind of crisis/drama and you think, oh, poor soul, I will support you and be your friend through this. And then another crisis and another drama and you think, wow, this person has quite the run of bad luck. But then after you know them for some time, you realize that their whole life is one continuous stream of dramas and crises and they are actually CREATING these things one way or another in their lives... and it gets kind of tiring. Really.

I dreamt I was in a house with a group of people, there was a broken staircase. I was with one man that definitely wanted to be with me and another that felt like he wanted to protect me. We were all going to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor, and the first man was cuddled up to me. The protector guy had the attitude of, well, I'll just lie down over here... but I invited him to cuddle me too. He had blue eyes and I could see that he was attracted to me too. He gladly came and cuddled up to me. Both men had their heads on my chest kind of like how you would hold little kids.

I suppose this relates to the party last night and how I felt the attraction of several of the men. As soon as I started to dance, it was like there was all this electricity in the room. Interesting because none of the other women were dancing, now that I think about it. I just know that when I hear good music and start to dance, I no longer feely pudgy and unattractive, music and dance make me feel curvy and beautiful, and that's what the men were responding too. I was having fun and being extremely playful. A couple of the women watched me dance, ballroom style, with an older gentlemen who was a very good lead and I LOVED it- I love a man who can dance and I can just let go and flow around him on the dance floor- the women were genuinely enjoying it too. At the end they clapped and said how great we looked. But there was another woman at the party who was giving me strange looks. I smiled at her a couple of times but she seemed uncomfortable or perhaps intimidated that I was having a good time and enjoying the attention.

That's the thing about people, we all have so much of our own stuff and it comes out as being rude or standoffish and really it's our own insecurities and whatnot. I realize I am in a place in my life where I can look at somebody and say, "Huh, that's her problem, too bad," and I can still do what I love, which is dance.

Well that is something to be grateful for.

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