Dear Diary,

I was away at my training so sorry for not updating, did you miss me? It was the last training with Gail and Sandra... they were both pretty nostalgic about it. I guess I will miss some things about it, but these are the things I will not miss:

1. continuously being forced to witness Gail's ongoing drama every month

2. not being able to get a decent night's sleep in Gail's house

3. spending what feels like tons of extra money on food for the weekend

4. traveling one weekend out of every month

Yes, I am free. There is a sense of completion...

Saturday night we did go over to Craig's house, even though he's no longer in the training. He had his kids with him, and they are very cute. His youngest just turned four. I felt like Craig was treated his child like he should know more than he was capable for at his age... and it made me a bit sad.... his son was looking at all the pictures of the different trucks on the box of a toy he'd recently got, and saying which ones he wanted. Craig told him that he needed to concentrate on the toys he had, and if he didn't stop ruminating on wanting more toys, Craig would take the existing toys away. This seemed ridiculous and harmful to me. It is the nature of the child to want- we all want- and children are naturally needy and excited about having many things. But I felt like Craig was teaching his son that it's not okay to want... that he will actually be punished for wanting... by losing what he already has. What a set up. What would have been better would perhaps have been for Craig to join with his son in looking at the cool toys on the box, ooh and ah over those, and then turn his attention to the toys he has, by saying, "And what do you like about this one?"

I know none of us are perfect, but sometimes I feel like I can see these things, these hidden messages that damage us. A person who is afraid to want is someone who is very limited indeed. It starts out with a toy, but later it can be love, success, joy, happiness. Afraid to want because if I want I will lose what I have.

I don't know what it is about Gail's house but I really don't sleep well there. I fell asleep before midnight, woke up at 3am and was up until 6am. Thankfully, Gail is loud but she doesn't purposefully wake me up... but still, I am not going to miss trying to sleep in that house. Gail is moving out at the beginning of the year, and that will be that.

Today I went straight from the training to Louie's birthday party. I was hemming and hawing about going, and Red and I had talked about going, but at the last minute he bailed out. He said he had work to do, but he also said he stepped outside and it was cold. I was annoyed that he flaked like that. Despite my reservations I went anyway, because I felt like there might be a chance I would see the really cute guy from mine and Louie's last venture together (he wasn't there). Instead I saw a whole bunch of cool people... some old friends. One of my old clients that I flirted with heavily. He is quite a bit older than me but who cares, he is a really nice, handsome man and I figured what the hell. Another guy, Swing, that I met once before and contacted me through FB... he and I had quite a conversation and I believe he made it known that he felt I am attractive... another guy who is kind of geeky but seemed very, very smitten with me... I shall call him Smitten, as a matter of fact... at one point I was sitting with four men. I danced with a few guys and had a really great time. I had such a great time that I forgot to say goodbye to Louie. Oops!

I called Elliot on Friday to say goodnight. Our conversation was brief. I get the feeling that Elliot doesn't really know how to play with me... he is far too serious, and doesn't always get my sense of humor. He texted me today but I did not contact him... instead I called everyone else I could think of to kind of back off from that. I'm glad I did, because really, he is not what I want. I can't get sucked in. My life with Alphie was bad enough. I don't need another relationship like that...

Another sex dream about M. Me having really huge, gushing orgasms with him. It was nice.

Time for sleep.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]