Dear Diary,

Well the short version of things. Because I am tired...

Elliot and I talked the night before I was to fly and he said he wanted to come and meet me at the airport. But I had forgotten that I would be meeting Stacey and AG for dinner. So I did call late and leave Elliot a message that maybe we should hold it off, because I was supposed to be meeting them, or if he was okay with that, we could work something out.

Well in the morning he called me and basically said he was frustrated because he didn't know where our relationship was going, and, in a nutshell, it sounded like he didn't really want to be wasting his time coming all the way out to the airport if nothing was going to happen. So I told him I didn't know, and that he should just stay home. The conversation made me feel sad, because I already know that I don't like him enough for him to be doing all this stuff for me. But another part of me likes the attention and whatnot. Huh. What to do?

In the airport before takeoff I had a little freaky accident where I ripped half my thumbnail off while getting my laptop out of my bag at security. I mean down past the quick... blood and everything. It was pretty painful, I had to find bandages immediately (and pay a ridiculous price in the airport, of course) and has pretty much rendered my thumb useless for things like zipping, pulling up my own underwear or anything that requires even slight pressure. I was feeling really terrible and weird because that's what happens when I hurt myself. I texted Elliot and told him about the accident and also that I had been looking forward to seeing him (which was true, even though I know he's bad for me) and maybe he would like to come to dinner. He replied he would be there, but I wasn't sure what that meant, so I didn't respond and decided I would just see if "there" meant the airport.

It did. Only once in my life has a guy picked me up at the airport. That was M- when we met in a different city and he came to get me in a rental car. Anyway, Elliot was there and we took the shuttle back together, and met Stacey and AG at a restaurant. I had to pee really bad so we stopped at Elliot's place...he is always squeezing me and raving about my curves and I guess in his book it doesn't matter at all that I have gained all my weight back quick enough to start giving me stretchmarks. We and hugged a little bit and I told him that if he were very nice to me, I would let him kiss my stomach, which he did. It was actually pleasant but most of the time, I don't like kissing him that much.

Part of the reason for inviting Elliot along was merely to introduce him to Stacey, because she likes a good story, and loves to meet people to put a name to the face. After we dropped off Elliot she said, "I like him,..you should date him." I was kind of surprised because I thought she wouldn't like him at all. I had already told her all about his polyamorous lifestyle and whatnot, and she still said she likes him. I pointed out that he doesn't have a sense of humor, and she agreed. But apparently she likes him anyway.

Did I also mention that Paul called out of the blue, that he is back from his work assignment, after three months, and was calling me to see what I was up to? I haven't called him back.

I felt like I got up way too early today, and my throat was feeling a little delicate. But I had a lot of work to do. During my break between gigs I called Elliot and he came and met me at the restaurant I was sitting in. I felt so awful that I'd only eaten half my sandwich and gave him the rest. Elliot will eat and eat because he trains and I guess he has a high metabolism. He said if I wanted I could come back to his place and lie down for a little while before my next presentation. So we went there. Luckily, his ex-girlfriend, whom he still lives with, and says they are more like family now- was not home.

The whole reason I called Elliot anyway was because I knew I had to nip this in the bud- he came all the way to the airport and he brought me a gift. He referred to himself as my boyfriend. It's freaky because we've only kissed a couple of times, and I don't feel it. But I am terrible at conflict. Obviously. So I asked him if he'd ever been alone. I knew the answer- no. He's always had some kind of lover in his life. We talked about that and I said that being alone can teach you a lot, and people can use polyamory as a way to avoid their own thoughts and feelings, they same as you can use ice cream, television or drugs. He agreed, but didn't seem to think that applied to him.

Then I told him I didn't think I could be in a polyamorous relationship. I spoke briefly about a lot of triangulation experiences I had in life in general, and also in my polyamorous relationship. Didn't mention any names or anything like that, but just basic stuff. And I said I liked Elliot and everything, because in a way I do, and I don't want to change him. Because in truth I know you can't change a person.

Then Elliot shocked the shit out of me. He said, "Do you know what I said to one of my lovers the other day? I said I think I met a person that I could be monogamous with." Well, Diary, I certainly wasn't expecting that. NEVER. Man, I cannot get out of this relationship under any circumstances. I barely feel strong enough to get out of it myself, and now my one excuse doesn't seem to be working. What kind of insanity IS this? I must be really something!

But we couldn't even continue our conversation because I really had to go and get to work. I was putting on my coat to go and Elliot said he had to tell me something and started to tell me this story, I didn't see the point of it at all and asked, "Does this have to do with what we've been talking about?" and he said it did, but at that moment I felt like the man and he was the woman... he was talking and talking and not making sense, and I was looking for his point but really I had to go! He let me go and I never got the point of that story. Later he texted me that he wanted to meet with me after work so we could talk more, face to face.

But Swing, the guy I met at Louie's party on Sunday, dropped by work and asked me out. He came by and was asking me about a CD, I said I didn't know the name of the artist but I thought the song was called suchandsuch, and he could email me and I would find out for him... he said no worries, it was fine and he would just write down the name of the song and go from there. Then I made a comment like, "so you're not going to stalk me?" and he said, "No, but I will email you and call you and ask you out- would you like to go out with me sometime?" And he looked at me with these killer blue eyes and I said, yes, I would love that.

You know me and the white boys...

So that was happy-making for me. And when I got out of work I had a message from Stacey that she'd been at a party and met someone that lived in my neighborhood. I met them at a neighborhood bar I'd never gone into the whole time I've lived here, and she introduced me to this guy named Adam. He's okay but seems a little too normal for me, but he also asked if I'd like to go out sometime, so I gave him my number.

Let's count them, people:

1. Elliot - polyamorous guy who suddenly wants to turn monogamous for me?
2. Paul - guy I dated a few times several months ago who fizzled out and disappeared, now back and calling me?
3. Swing - asking me out... then sent me a message on FB - "forgot to get your number- please email it to me so I can call you like a gentleman."
4. Adam - random guy wants to take me out

I think Swing is the cutest one, but he's probably also not a good match. None of them feel that way, really. But hey, what are you gonna do.

I have a feeling that if Stacey hadn't met AG first, I'd totally be hanging with that guy. They have their thing going on though... so it will never be. I could never admit, because it creates too much tension, but I do find him attractive. He seems reasonably intelligent and fun and he loves music and dance. We have that in common- last night I was playing some CDs for him and we were both grooving out- Stacey said she had a headache and turned the music down.

Tonight I was getting a vibe off him too- a couple of times just the way he was looking at me, and he made a comment about my butt when another guy was saying something. So what, it's attraction- and maybe it's a little obvious, because Stacey was already nervous that something was going to happen. I could never do anything, because it would ruin our friendship. I know that. But I realize I've also been feeling guilty for feeling attracted- big deal! It's just attraction and doesn't mean I would act on it.

I don't know what's going on with the two of them. They seemed to be having a serious conversation in the bar and said they were talking about their future... Stacey seems pretty miserable since what has happened in the last couple of weeks. She told me that AG is still in love with his wife and the fact they are getting a divorce... last night he broke out in tears in front of both of us... well I know that whole story, saw it with M. It takes someone a while to get over a divorce, and his hasn't even really started yet. I had a short conversation with AG about grief and encouraged him to feel his feelings, since he seems to want to drink them away. Maybe I am just attracted to him because he is a broken sad man, and that's certainly what M was. Maybe I should trust myself...

So who knows what will happen on that front with those two. Will they both get divorced and live together all happy-like? Who knows. Who knows what will happen to me?

But isn't this all a little crazy?

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