long story short [ 2008-12-15, 5:20 p.m. ]

#2

Hi Diary,

Okay last night after I finished my entry, Stacey and AG came back. They were both pretty drunk and Stacey was adamant about me going out with Adam. All I said was that he seemed pretty normal to me, and I gave him my phone number. Long story short, as the names of several exes came up, Stacey practically shouted, "Fuck M! I'm so sick of him! He's an asshole, I never want to hear about him again! If he can't show up for you, you should just go out with Adam!" And AG said, "Stop living in the past."

That's a basic paraphrase of what happened, but at that moment I froze because I felt judged and attacked. There was a moment where I was just looking at Stacey and AG was standing there too. Then I just turned and went to lie down on the couch. I didn't say goodnight or anything. I think they were still talking to me but I was stunned. I lied down and started crying immediately, as quietly as I could. I was shocked myself at how hurt I was and how much pain I still have around M... I can't help it, and someone yelling at me to stop feeling the way I do is not going to shift me either.

I just felt like another door slammed shut, another person I thought I could be honest with, judging me.... and it feels terrible.

Then at about 4 or 5am I could hear them having sex. I could swear that Stacey was spouting expletives at one point. Maybe more than you want to know about your friend.

In the morning we all got up to go to breakfast. Stacey started to talk about Adam and I just said, "I'm not talking about that." From now on, my love life will not be discussed with Stacey.

Things are still hard to read as I notice that AG often smiles, winks and touches me. I assumed this was his natural way with all people so when were at lunch I tried to notice how he was with Stacey and my and Stacey's friend Pansy. I noticed that when AG said goodbye to Pansy, he didn't kiss her on the cheek which he often does with me. Just something to notice. Stacey seemed irritated sometimes when AG and I talked about burning each other CDs or something. It is weird, but I have been watching myself and haven't done anything inappropriate. Is it not okay that I have something in common with my friend's boyfriend? That contrary to all my other experiences with her beaus, I actually like this one and think he makes sense with her? Aren't we supposed to like our friends' boyfriends? So now I'm not really sure what I am supposed to do as far as keeping good boundaries and not upsetting Stacey. Like maybe not talk to him at all?

Either way, got them on their way and then ran a few errands and came home. My shoes were hurting me and my throat still hurts, I'm a bit tired. I've decided to just stay in.

Aleda caught me on instant messenger and we had a short conversation. I lied and said I was on my way to dance class.... she said several irritating things, her usual critical self... picking on the way I spelled things, my choice of dance class and more. What a miserable person and I'm glad she's far away!

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