How will I know when to contact you? How will I know the right time?

Maybe there is no right time. Maybe, as some people think, I am delusional. And it's just over, forever- as even we will never be friends.

That makes me incredibly sad. I feel like I am trying to pick apart all these tangled strings and figure out what love really is. Can I love someone even if they don't love me back? If they don't want the relationship I want?

What is love anyway? I prefer not to think of it as obligation. That because you said something a year and a half ago, that you couldn't do, does that mean you don't love me... does it mean love ends? Does it mean there's no such thing as love?

All I know is that I miss you, and I still feel that I am in love with you. Sometimes I still judge myself about that, but I'm trying to have more compassion for myself.

Red told me that even with the girl he likes, it's "out of sight, out of mind," another way men can be really different from women. That made me sad. But I guess you are doing whatever you need to do.

I know I need to focus on myself. That's what I've been trying to do for over a year now. I only feel marginally successful. It's hard work. Maybe next year this time, I'll be really good at it. One can hope.

Till then, I'll trust love to save me. Not in the form of a person, or a fairy tale... that it will look like what I wish it would... but that continuing to love you is the right thing to do, regardless if we speak, regardless if I ever see you again. Loving you is the right thing to do because.... because you deserve it. And I deserve it. My heart deserves to love. And we both are worthy of being loved despite the mistakes we have made. It's okay. We don't have to change, we don't have to be together. The love is the important part.

I realize people can judge, because so much vulnerability makes people nervous. To love someone who doesn't pay attention to you, or love you back, is considered a weakness. People tell me to get with it and stop loving you. But then it was never love. It was the ultimate in conditional love. And if we continue to love conditionally, then how can we ever expect to be loved unconditionally?

And I am picking apart the threads, of loving you and letting you go in the same breath. There's a lot of old programming there. It feels like a conflict of interest. But there must be truth there, and if there is I will find it.

[previous] [next]