#2

Dear Diary,

It's hard to fall asleep because I cough, then coughing wakes me up first thing in the morning... this is the way I lose track of my dreams. I do my best to remember- this morning, something about being in the woods- maybe on some retreat or something, with a bunch of people. My jacket was lying in some water. Stacey came in and I offered her some deodorant, pulled some out of my pack. It turned out not to be my deodorant but hers, and it was- get this- spaghetti and meatball deodorant.

Uh-uh. Weird.

Anyhow. My cough is a bit looser now, feeling like it's coming from my lungs a bit. I guess this is good because it's pretty much the next stage. Feels like it's taken so long to get this far. Here are the stages of a cold as far as I'm familiar with them:

1. Sore throat, swollen glands
2. Stuffy sinuses, runny nose. Throat stops hurting but it's all about the face now.
3. Cough. Post-nasal "dry" kind of cough
4. Cough moves into the chest, "wet" cough

This is how a cold usually moves through me. But this week has been long and exceptional, and sucks my ass. I am exhausted. I am at least hoping that all this coughing is equivalent to 100 sit ups a day. That would be nice.

In other news, there's not much other news. I hardly go out, I'm sick of lying in bed. I thought that as soon as I finished my training with Gail, I would have all this free time to dance and relax... nope! My free time has been all about lying flat on my back.

Okay that's it for complaining.... I know other people have it worse.

So what's positive about my life?

1. This apartment. Very cosy, and I've made it my own over the last 5.5 years. I love living alone, and I feel safe here. So I'm very grateful to have a home.

2. My work. Seems to be sustaining itself, for the most part. I am glad to have a job where I make my own schedule- where I have had the opportunity to get all this rest- where I don't have to work with nuts anymore. Phew. Remember those early days when I used to blog from my office? Well at that time I guess it was Diaryland* that actually pulled me through!

3. Random blessings. They come my way and sometimes they are small so I have to choose to see them. Things as simple as someone asking me to switch seats with them on the airplane so I can have the seat I originally wanted. There will always be plenty to complain about if that's what one is looking for. I believe there is a gift even in the most painful situations.

4. Friends and family. A bit general, but there's a lot of people that have helped me out in a lot of ways. I wouldn't have even been able to go to school all of this year if my friends hadn't put me up and helped me out. Talk about random blessings!

5. *Diaryland. Wow if I didn't have this place to dump my thoughts... and every now and then get those supportive comments... it surely helped me survive the last year and a half... the last FIVE years. Hmm. I'd like to think I've changed for the better!

So, yeah, good stuff there...

Last night, for whatever reason, I watched M's video testimonial online for his school. It was amazing to see him talking. One, to hear his voice, which I have not heard in so long... something rose up in me, in the front of my body, and I just surrendered to it. Sadness and love, maybe, all mixed together. And to see him- his eyes- eyes I looked into many nights when we were sharing intimate space. Not just making love, but sharing secrets and vulnerabilities.

The way his lips pull away from his teeth when he has this kind of smirk... I forgot about that... and his teeth! I forgot about them, their shape, slightly imperfect, but the whole package very pleasing. He looks smaller to me now, and the video is fakey fake anyway- you know that kind of "interview face"- not the actual person, the way they really are.

Hmm. Made me think. Is it all "dessert" like my friend said last night? Are people incapable of that kind of huge change? The kind of change we would need to have a relationship?

I don't know. I'd like to think people are capable of anything. I'd also like to think I could be at peace. But I'm very aware that I am afraid to let go. Even if I had an option that promised I would no longer feel anything painful or unrequited about M again, I am actually afraid to let go of these feelings because I am afraid of losing him forever. I don't know if this is the abandonment stuff, or if it's karmic. I guess that's more strings to pick apart.

Hmm, well that makes me think of another number, number 6.... that despite everything, I'm glad I'm myself. I could be someone stuck in my drama, or blaming, I could be the person I was 10 or 15 years ago- that when relationships didn't work out, the guy automatically went into the Asshole Category, never to be related to again... my hatred of him just a reflection of the disappointment and hatred I had for myself. I feel like my heart has expanded through this process, in whatever painful way it could. I've grown up a bit. I understand that everybody, no matter how badly they fuck it up, or even if they do shitty things consciously, everybody does the best they can with what they've got. That's just the way it is.

Have been writing this entry in between massive coughing jags... hot tea by my side. I'm guessing dance is out for today, since my lung capacity seems severely compromised. I hope Swing doesn't have anything too rigorous planned. Ha! He said that after dinner we would go out for some entertainment. I hope that means a movie, because, geez, I can't take any more loud thumpy speakers over my stuffed head, and I can barely move without gasping for breath.

Sexy.

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