Dear Diary,

Well I did not go to dance class, and debated about canceling my client meeting. But I just wanted to move things along, and decided to suck it up and go to work.... at the last minute I realized that I needed to find a gift. This colleague and I have known each other for years, and he always gives me a Christmas gift... so I quickly burned him a CD, found and wrapped a candle, etc. On the way there I bought him some candy and a card...

So, maybe it was a lame gift in a way but actually I know he likes all those kinds of things... so maybe it's perfect! Whatever.

However I knew when got there that I should have stayed home... I was coughing and sniffling a little bit and I know that always turns people off. I felt gross and greedy for showing up for the money, cause that's why I was there!

We exchanged gifts and got down to business. I took a cab home, which is a luxury, but I am exhausted. Still!

I'm hoping to have some extra energy tomorrow. I am, after all, scheduled to go out with Swing tomorrow night. Also, Adam called and left a voicemail to see if I wanted to get together this weekend. Silly boy, you can't expect me to be available THIS weekend after you waited so long to call!

Duh.

Heard from Elliot today- he actually has been calling me two or three times a day. I didn't respond at all yesterday, feeling so awful, and today he texted and asked me if I was all right. I skyped him and just used the chat feature, told him actual conversation exhausted me. So we chatted online for a bit. He keeps saying he misses me, to which I have no response. Apparently we are due to have another heavy conversation about relationship, of some sort, when I am feeling better... I guess that will be a good thing, to get everything straightened out. Really the whole affair has been very mental. This is a guy that says nice things, does nice things, but I don't really feel him on any emotional level. I don't FEEL his heart. The pith, as it were.

Also spoke to an old friend on the phone. He asked me if there was anyone exciting in my life. I told him that I had these dates lined up, but I'm basically still in love with M. Briefly described what happened between the two of us. He says he's familiar with that kind of dynamic... and that kind of relationship... will never give me what I need. Because I am attracted to someone who is fucked up. And I want the whole, full-course meal... but all this guy can give me is the dessert. I will never be full. Struck a chord when he said that. It might be true. I'll have to think on it. Bums me out quite a bit. But on a bigger existential level, WOW, we must really love each other in the realm of souls. :) That makes me happy, to know someone loves me that much, to make that soul contract with me, and that somewhere on some eternal level, we are lovers.

Also talked to Keith. He has a new place and is living alone, which really freaks him out. He doesn't do well alone. He sounded sad, and even though it was late, we ended up staying on the phone awhile. He desperately wants me to come and visit, I can tell. I don't know if I can afford it, but my heart certainly goes out to him. I want to go- will see if I can make it happen.

Now. On to dreamworld. Although I start to cough as soon as I lie down. Trying to get rest for a condition that won't let me adequately rest- that in itself is exhausting!

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