Dear Diary,

Woke up on the early side and still felt bad- started getting really worried and thinking I might have to go to the hospital or something. I don't do hospitals.

But then I went back to bed and got up in the afternoon. I couldn't be sure but I thought I *might* be better... my neck still being sore, but it was easier to swallow.

Regardless I had some things I must take care of before I see the family for the holidays. I had to go into town to pay a bill, because for the life of me I could not find the bill anywhere in this house... I suppose I could have paid it online, but it makes me nervous to give my cc info to large companies... and then they could charge on it if they consider the bill late, etc... also when I went onto the website, there was a little warning to read the "certificate" of the website to see if it was valid? Well that all freaks me out and in the end I would just rather go down there and write them a check. So I did.

Then I stopped off at the library and deposited my latest check in the bank- all very good, very good. And I did go to dance class! Even though I got winded easily and very hot... not the good kind of sweat... and I can't hear very well... but, I'm still better than I was last week. And tomorrow I will be better still!

I still have to pack my suitcase, maybe do laundry (although that seems a little farfetched). Heard from B and we definitely have to go to a movie when I get back. He doesn't want to be around me when I'm sniffly.

Strange thing is I haven't heard from Swing at all. I think that's odd because usually a guy will call you the next day if he liked the date. And I did leave him a message that said I had a nice time- probably a mistake because I never do that, but... oh well. At any rate it has been a lonely night here, Elliot hasn't even called.

I spoke briefly to my friendly colleague and he did ask about my date because I had told him about it beforehand. I told him about the evening (minus the crying and journaling to M afterward- well not everybody needs to hear that) and from a guy's point of view he did think that it was strange not to hear from Swing.

Oh well, oh well. I am aware of feeling lonely so I just whipped out a card of another guy I met at Louie's party, the smitten one. I just wrote Smitten an email with one line, "Hi, do you remember me?" He wrote back about 20 minutes later: "of course I remember you!!!! god yes!!! how are you? xo, Smitten." And then about an hour later: "actually I was rather excited to see your email in my inbox...
:-)"

So I am not so alone.

You, Dear Diary, might think that overall I am a very weird girl who is toying with the affections of men because I'm lonely and I can't have the man that I want. You might be right. Does that make me a bad person? Ugh, it's terrible to think we just go from one to the next trying to fill in the blank spaces.

Elliot just called, but I couldn't untangle my headset and answer the phone fast enough. For one I can't hear it very well, and for two that headset tangling is definitely a problem. I decided to not bother calling back- it's late and I need to work on going to bed earlier. These five ayem bedtimes have got to go.

So back to the Evil Girl Toying with Affections of Men thing (EGTAM). I dunno. Everybody seems to play their games- I mean Elliot is out fucking tons of people, I don't really need to worry about him, do I? And Swing, well, he had a chance and positive feedback and he hasn't acted. Maybe he's playing his own game. M, I am sure he is hanging with someone else- probably a bitchy woman because that is his type in general and I guess he has to work that out for himself. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm trying to let go, I'm trying to do the right thing, I'm trying to be with what is and just love the guy and move on in my own life and not be closed to the idea of someone else loving me. The whole thing seems impossible.

Oh and did I mention that I was watching girl-on-girl porn the whole time? Yeah. That's the other thing.

Anyway, baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Let's just get through the holidays, shall we?

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]