somebody sucked the joy out of my holiday! [ 2008-12-26, 11:41 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Where to begin? I am here at my parent's house and that is all going okay- none of the other siblings came home... my brothers in various stages of parole, etc, one sister who has cut off the whole family, and Delia, who spends the holiday with Bud and his family.

My health has been some concern. Petra recommended a natural remedy which I purchased. It smells terrible and if I don't have enough food in my stomach, it makes me nauseous. I was starting to get concerned because Delia did have some sinus problems and they told her she might need some kind of surgery for it- she was warning me I might consider going to an emergency care wing. I have no health insurance, and have not been to a western doctor in over 12 years, so the prospect of that is less than thrilling for me. But my uncle suggested putting a heating pad on my ear/face/neck and this would help my ears drain. Damned if he wasn't right! My hear has drained a little bit and I can finally hear (not completely, but better) in my left ear. Phew.

So I guess I will continue using a hot compress and the pills, and try to rest.

The disturbing part of the holiday for me is how connected to the past I feel. Wednesday was M's birthday. I recall everything that went down that same day last year, and, depressingly enough, I feel like I have come full circle and I feel JUST THE SAME as I did last year! How can this be? It's like there is a shadow over Christmas for me forever as a result of this breakup.... it sucks. Even Christmas morning, which I always looked forward to... well, I couldn't muster up any joy. I didn't really want any presents. I wanted to go back to bed and not get up. I wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. How can it be that one short relationship seems to have sucked all the joy out of my holiday?

Maybe it just takes more time... maybe I have just hit rock-bottom as far as my abandonment/rejection issues are concerned. Maybe the guy IS my soulmate, who knows? It's just not easy.

Elliot has sent a couple of texts, which I have not responded to. On the whole I don't do a lot of text messaging anyway, that's one thing- I don't have a big text package. Also I've definitely come to the conclusion not to take texts seriously as far as dating and guys are concerned. I think it's working for me. Elliot finally called and left a message, wanting to know what was going on since he hadn't heard from me. I really don't feel like socializing at all, particularly with Elliot at this point in time. He wears me out with his constant tendency to pick everything apart. No doubt, we can surely have quite a bit of intellectual banter back and forth, but I don't feel much in the heart area with him. And right now, being so physically exhausted, I am also emotionally exhausted and have very little patience for his style of communication.

I was at the grocery store with my mother when a call came in from Paul... I looked and thought... "Are you serious?" I didn't pick up and he left a message, to just give him a call. I can't imagine what he wants... does he just want to pick up where we left off 4 months ago? Not really so appealing... it was awkward then and I'm not feeling like connecting anymore to him either. I can't see what there would be for us... more awkward dates where nothing happens? Where he invites himself to sleep in my bed and prevents me from resting? Huh.

And, another text from Swing... again asking me when I would be coming home... An email from Smitten... not asking anything in particular but going back and forth...

And that is it for now. Maybe the hardest part of the year is over. We can hope.

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