Dear Diary,

I came home today. I actually took a bunch of pills last night: sleeping pills + melatonin + stinky throat medicine + stinky throat drops + two Advil so I could just swallow without pain and maybe fall asleep.

I did sleep from midnight to 5 ayem, which is very good for me. Then some coughing and being awake till 7:30 or so, and then up 2 hours later to catch my bus.

I got home and Howard came over to help organize some things. It's all okay but my throat started feeling worse again, I think cause I was getting tired.

I canceled my meeting with Irinia so tomorrow, really I just have to pick up some keys and my stuff at the library. The rest of the day can be for resting!

Elliot left a message last night asking what I am doing for New Year's Eve. He was inviting me to a party that he and his ex are going to, together with another mutual friend. Yes, beanie, I know you are loving this one!

Anyway, I am starting to feel really cramped by Elliot in some ways. He calls me a million pet names (baby, honey) etc. and makes it seem like this relationship is going way faster and way deeper than it is/than I want it to. It was making me extremely nervous and convinced me I really have to end things, FAST. Not that hanging out with a guy and his ex on NYE isn't enticing... hmm, when WILL that boy move out? Maybe he's planning on moving right into my place. He shouldn't hold his breath.

I did talk to him this evening, he had left a message earlier that he would like to come over tonight or tomorrow and just hang out because I declined the offer of NYE and said I just want to do something quiet. But I already have plans to work with Howard both days, so that's that. Then I realized that all this "honey/baby" talk is probably not just for me, but also for the however many women he is sleeping with, so I probably shouldn't take it seriously. This is the problem I always had with Alphie. He would use terms and phrases that led you to believe he was exclusively serious with you, but he'd be using them with everyone. Some people have no shame. I knew I had to get off the phone with Elliot because I was barely listening to him, instead spending time online.

Also, Swing finally called me last night, after two unanswered text messages. Since he's waited so long I did call him back, we talked for a brief while and he asked me out for Sunday night. I said yes. He suggested I just take it easy and drink a big green juice, and I said I probably stressed myself out and just needed rest. He said he was a very relaxed person, so maybe he's the guy I need to be hanging out with.

No word back from Smitten. Perhaps I offended him with my last email, which said something about needing a man slave to take care of me when I'm sick. What, he didn't jump at the chance?!

And that's that. I can't do much but focus on my own special issues which include trying to get better. Most likely I am probably, in no way shape or form, ready for any kind of relationship or dating but for some reason this seems to make me very attractive at this time. Am I producing some kind of particular pheromone? Do I smell like rampion, anyone (see spark's diary)? Thoughts?

There is something I have been rolling around in my brain again and again. I think of M, and the only way I really know how to think of him is struggling, unhappy, and needing me. Honestly when I think of him with those big puppy dog eyes, all lost and confused, that is the time when I want to say, aw baby... and rush in and make everything all better... a turn on? I'm not sure, but definitely something to notice... one of the last times we spoke, I felt a little pissed off because I felt like he didn't need me anymore...

I think I want to feel needed, and the only way to do that is to be with men that are needy, and basically incapable of handling their own feelings. I mean, WHY was I so attracted to AG, Stacey's guy?! He was just as unavailable as M- incredibly hurt by his ex-wife, on top of having an affair with my friend.

And Paul- the whole reason we got together, really, was because we are both in love with someone else... Elliot- he hasn't separated from his ex yet and is still mooning somewhat over his last girlfriend Valerie... and who knows what Swing has in his past, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if there's a little skeleton in there that has a girl's name, very recent.

So, why am I picking men who are hurting? Why are they attracted to me? Because I'm hurting? I've got to get over this. Love, to me, is not about filling up my holes with somebody new... because they can never do it.... but I need to do this for myself, so I, as a more whole person, can attract a more whole person...

I don't care if that doesn't make sense when you read it, I know what it means!

(sigh).

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