#2

Dear Diary,

Woke up today with a palpable feeling of loneliness. This is interesting and different because I am alone a lot, but rarely do I feel lonely. I am more aware of my tendency to isolate because of unmet needs and hopelessness. I guess I normally don't identify with loneliness because in a way it feels safe - safer than being disappointed, anyway.

But there is something special about this brand of loneliness, it's selective. I don't trust a lot of people. It's not enough to just be somebody who wants to spend time with me... nobody is good enough. I am distrustful. I don't trust women because I feel they always want something from me and are duplicitous. I don't trust men because they are just not smart enough and they're missing it.... those are my tendencies in thinking.

So I could sit here, most likely, in my little apartment, for a long, long, time, alone. And most times going out makes me feel even more alone. People encourage me to go out, but I don't see the point- what's so great about going out?

On the whole I feel pretty stuck, pretty hopeless.

Aleda sent out a message on FB that she is coming here for three weeks... and needs someplace to stay. She is crazy if she thinks I would ever offer her a place. One, I can't live with anybody for longer than a day, not even people I like 20 times more than Aleda. Two, she only connects with me when she wants something, and I'm sorry I ever became her friend on FB, because the truth is, I guess... WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. In the '80s I would have just stopped calling her and it would be over already. Geez. Three, I work out of my apartment and require a lot of space in general for myself so forget it.

Grrr....

Well I do have some errands to run, unfortunately... but I don't want to do anything or get out of bed. Crap. I could see if Elliot or Howard would pick up the keys for me, but then again I DO have some pretty cool things waiting for me at the library, including the second season of Ugly Betty!!

Hmmm.... decisions...

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