#2

Dear Diary,

I don't remember any of my dreams. I woke up a couple of times with mild cramps, and applied a heating pad. Then my throat was really hurting. I wanted to put the heating pad on my throat/face but everytime I remove it from my belly, the cramps come back. So it has been a choice of the lesser of two evils. I'm a mess!

I did finally get to the point, however, where I could walk to the store and buy all my supplies. Ibuprofen, Tigr Balm patches, pads, and chocolate. Ha! I don't know if the cashier was paying attention or not, but they could just make a kit out of that stuff. Might be a good idea for a gift basket. Ideally also I should just have all this stuff stocked up in the house and ready to use. But somehow I am so irresponsible that I fail to do that, every month! Oh well oh well.

I spoke to a couple people by phone. I do still have to work this weekend so my intention is to rest as much as possible here and get myself healthy before Friday. I am also going to cancel my therapy appointment for Friday, mainly because I don't have any money, but also because I don't want to go. In general. I need more vacation from therapist. She would probably say I am resisting and I would have to say, "You know what? You're right!"

Hah. But overall I think I am getting better. Coughing less even though I still have a sore throat which, yes, is disturbing. But even that is moving around, has now moved over to the right side, so maybe it just can't make up its mind which way it's going to exit.

I get it. I'm depressed. Huh. And I can even have a sense of humor about it, but that's it. I am finding no joy in general activities like holidays etc. I know most would prefer I go on medication but I spent half of my life on meds and really don't care for them. I feel like I lost 7 years to Prozac because for the life of me, I cannot remember jackshit about those seven years... I know they help and get people through but in general I think they are not for me. It seems to mess up my biochemistry something big, so I might have a sensitivity to it.

At any rate that is not one of my choices. What are my choices? Well I guess I should keep going to therapy, much as it is bugging the shit out of me. And Kate offered me a free session, so I suppose I should take her up on it. I have a session this Friday for myself with the tapping stuff... and... whatever else... I don't know.

Or maybe, I just have to wait it out. Maybe stuff is just clearing out of me, these are the feelings that I have been sitting on my whole entire life. I know I miss M madly. There's a part of me that's hopeful he wouldn't let the year pass by without calling me once. But I also know that is not going to happen. He's so judgmental about himself and maybe, like me, he's trying to straighten himself out before he talks to me again.

So I just want to say I miss him.

I chatted online with Elliot again yesterday. He is still all "baby/lover" talk while meanwhile I read his sexblog which talked about having sex with some chick on Saturday. In the story he was "initiating" her into certain passionate practices and blah, blah, blah. It was such an egotistical story. Well maybe he is that good in bed but man, that is just not enough.

I spoke with Adam on the phone too, we will probably get together next week. He asked me out for Sunday but I already have plans to see Swing, so we will have to go out another night.

I realize I'm kind of on autopilot. I'm not feeling what I normally do when I meet guys... such as, this feeling of excitement, can't wait, gotta see this person, want to do something with them, want to kiss them, etc.

I am pretty much becoming more and more repulsed by Elliot and the closer he tries to get to me, the more I want to pull away. Kissing Swing was okay but even him, I want to tell him, slow the fuck down, dude... I don't feel that level of excitement with anybody. Maybe I'm just not ready.

I'm so tired of wondering and asking what I should do, that I just feel like giving up. This is how it is. Maybe it will change. I am tired.

Happy New Year.

Usually this is the point in the entry where I try to say something positive, about life and about myself in general: how hard I've worked, how much I've changed, how it will all pay off in the end. But Diary, I am tired. I am dangerously close to lying in bed and eating frosting out of the can.

So if anybody has an answer to any of these questions:

1. How hard have I worked on myself?

2. How much have I changed since you started reading?

3. How will it all pay off in the end?

I would love to hear them. Maybe you can prop me up when I can't do it myself.

Thanks for the help.

Love,
Duck

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