#2

Dear Diary,

A thought that came up for me that started to unravel something in my brain:

"It's not for the reason you think."

I guess it all started with FB, which I have been on way too much lately.... I was chatting with my brother Kevin, and another friend simultaneously (hooray for multitasking). I saw that Swing was online but didn't initiate any chat with him... as he hasn't called anyway. Later I saw that he had sent a message to my inbox. A rather lame message, that said, "How's it going? I hope your bus ride wasn't too long the other night. I was wondering if you could give me the info for (two guys I work with). I want to contact them for social reasons. I will call you soon."

Wow, Swing, don't get so enthusiastic. I'm thinking of just cutting it off now... I mean either this guy is playing the "make the girl wonder if I like her or not" game, or, he may have some severe intimacy issues.

Anyhow... where this leads... my tendency to easily feel abandoned and rejected, impatient...

And then I was thinking about M, and how he left, how all men leave. But the thought came up, "It's not for the reason you think."

When a guy leaves, I think there is something wrong with me. But for whatever reason, it hit me that when a guy leaves, it might not be for the reason I think... I tend to go to the place that says I am bad, and unloveable, etc.

But the truth could be that it's not about me- that I am loveable, not fatally flawed... that their behavior is about them, not me... whether it be that they are intimidated, not ready for intimacy, or whatever.

I know I *know* this already... but it just felt like it hit a very deep place inside today.

Weird, maybe, and perhaps I'm not describing it well, but that's the best I can do for now.

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