january 6th [ 2009-01-07, 2:05 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Good news. Woke up today and my throat is remarkably better. I can swallow and it doesn't hurt!

Spent the day resting... and watching DVDs. Trying to catch up on all my shows.

Adam and I were supposed to go out, but he called and said he was stuck late at work. I had gotten dressed up and ready to go, and was a little disappointed at the end of the day.

I've been trying to book a flight all day with Virgin America, and their website is jammed and not working. Of course it may be because I am trying to use my frequent flyer points. Wouldn't it just figure??

I have a screaming headache. Talked to Irinia today on the phone again and she keeps bringing up the work thing. It is as if she cannot hear me at all. I did a little anger release around it, but I'm sure I can do more.

Also talked to Red and said I was feeling really limited that I couldn't talk to him about my feelings for M because I felt shut down by his reactions. He admitted that he sees a lot of himself in M's problems and that's why he can be pretty harsh sometimes. Then he has to bring up the point that M doesn't do anything for himself and doesn't work hard... but I pointed out that we don't know what he's been doing for over a year... and I know that astrologically he is in for a rough couple of years. To which Red said, "Well then you wouldn't want to be with him anyway."

It always hits me too late but I wish I had said, "How do you know what I want?" Because really, what kind of nonsense is that, that you would say you don't want to be with someone who is going through a rough time? People love each other through cancer, accidents, deaths and births... I don't know if I even know what love is, but in my book it is more pervasive than believing you will get someone "easy" with no baggage and no problems... really, that is just not humanly possible.

So I still feel like I can't talk to Red about it. I suppose his idea is that some people are too broken to be loved and then you move on. I am so sick of hearing the phrase "moving on." Obviously I'm not doing it... I just wish other people could let me be in that place, and not throw their two cents in.

Still haven't heard from Swing. Talked to Elliot a bit but my headache made me get off the phone.

Gail's granddaughter was born today. Gail is on Cloud Nine.

I need this day to end.

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