#3

It occurs to me also that I may find Swing the most attractive out of the guys who are dating me, because he just might be the one who is most fucked up.

He mentioned on Sunday that he is taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist. Really, that's no big deal, since I fully admit I am depressed and I also see a therapist. Maybe he was just putting it out there to be completely honest with me, who knows. So that's actually a good thing.

But then with all this weirdness about calling/not calling, awkward goodbyes, etc, I am wondering if my own messed-up radar is gunning for the worst of the bunch. I mean, M was very depressed and, in Keith's terms "had a lot of psychological problems" which, okay, I could see.... he was frightened most of the time of making a mistake, doing the wrong thing... and that's a pretty hard way to live a life. He was quite neurotic... which I found kind of endearing in many ways, but, it did get in the way sometimes.

So, I'm not saying the things I mentioned are what makes Swing fucked up... but I am worried that I am attracted to men with problems. I guess the plus side is that Swing is actually working on himself... he is responsible enough to go to therapy and get medication. Whereas with M we had to go quite a few rounds talking about what it "meant" to go back into therapy (he was resisting it strongly because he thought it meant something was wrong with him). So I guess the true definition of being fucked up would be someone knowing that things aren't right, and refusing to seek help... or even believing that they had no issues whatsoever, which might be closer to Elliot's problem.

It might look like on the surface that Elliot has it more together, but as I mentioned, he still lives with his ex (I found out he doesn't pay rent) and rarely uses feeling words, so that in itself is a red flag for something.

Okay. So I'm glad that all got written out because I needed to sort that out in my head. The bottom line is I am terrified of making a mistake. I am thinking that I am so flawed that of course I will pick the flawed man....

Well whatever everyone is messed up in their own way. I am at the point in my life where I have learned a lot and I do the best I can. As far as relationships are concerned, it is important for me to go slow and feel into every situation to determine if it is right for me or not.

Time and experience will tell. Kind of like Serena says, you just will not know if you don't try. And if I am afraid because I fear making a mistake... well... that's exactly how M lived his life.... afraid.

And that is no way to live.

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