Dear Diary,

Another sleepless night and a busy day.

I couldn't believe what I looked like when I woke up today... I had so much to do and only slept 4 or 5 hours... I looked like SHIT.

However.

Met Roger, a colleague, for tea, and we had a really nice conversation. Roger is not what many would call attractive, but there's just something about him that I have been enjoying more and more.

Then I went to therapy. It was weird because as soon as I saw therapist, I felt like I missed her and I guess I don't want to end therapy after all. I don't know. I guess there's some transference going on. We talked about a lot of things, but mostly M and the situation involving not being able to be understood as just loving him... and not having anyone to talk to about it.

And then I told her about all my recent dates and she pointed out that Elliot is really quite inconsiderate as evidenced by his comment that he told one of his lovers that I might be someone he could be monogamous with him. She said that was disrespectful to the woman, because what woman wants to hear that? Also she said that it was inconsiderate to me because he was not communicating directly to me but rather in an indirect way. She reminded me that I deserve more- it's not like he said, "Duck, I want to be with you and I would forgo all other women for you-"

Which brought up the topic of Elliot's communication style in general. He is certainly very strategic but does not really inform anyone of anything. For instance it seems like he was planning on using me to replace Valerie but never bothered to tell me he was polyamorous (luckily I figured that one out on my own) or what he was aiming for.

I also told her about Swing but we didn't talk much about him... she brought up the topic of M again and said that she believed that if I made a move to pursue him it would definitely change my life. She had pointed out that Elliot doesn't have true feelings for me because he doesn't take any risks in love. When you show love for someone you risk being rejected. It would be one thing for Elliot to risk telling me that he wanted to be with me, but he hasn't done that. He framed it in the context of talking to another woman.

So what would happen to me if I took a risk and told M how I really feel about him? Therapist told me that it would at least move me out of ambivalence and to one extreme or the other- yes, there is the possibility that I could be rejected, and yes, there is another possibility too- that at least M and I will start to talk, or.... something.

The thought of it doesn't seem as scary as it used to. And basically I have been hanging out with all these other guys but in my heart I know that I love M and I'm just biding time until I get the guts to see what's up with him.

Oh, life, what to do?

And even on that note today I met a totally hot guy at work tonight. There were a couple of guys there, some that I know. I noticed Luke right away as attractive, but I didn't think that he would be attracted to me. Then when they were all leaving, I hugged one of the guys I knew goodbye. Luke came up and said, "Don't I get a hug?" I laughed and said yes... he hugged me for quite a long time and pretty tight. Afterward I was dizzy. I made sure I left the building at the same time and we talked in the elevator and on the street too. I was trying to look him in the eye and give him as much juice as possible to let him know that I think he's cute. There was a little weird moment- I can't describe it, maybe he picked up on all the energy I was giving him and he didn't know what to do with it so he pulled away. It was a rather abrupt parting (but in no way as rude as Swing's non-goodbye the other night).

So that's that. I'm just going to whip out my vibrator and fantasize about Luke as I think he is a player and nothing will ever happen with him anyway.

Yes I did just reiterate my love for M whilst in the next paragraph announcing I would masturbate while thinking of another man. What of it?!

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