Dear Diary,

Today felt like a tough day to get going. Howard was supposed to come over early in the afternoon but I postponed it by a little because I woke up at 12:30pm.

He did eventually come over around 4pm and stayed until 10pm. I was so tired the whole time he was here, I literally said, "Just keep talking, Howard, I'm going to lie down over here." And had my eyes closed most of the time. It was weird because my throat once again is feeling sensitive and I have felt really exhausted.

I turned the lights out before midnight and put myself to sleep with a nice fantasy about Luke. Elliot called just as I was going to bed (I didn't answer) and then another call practically woke me up just as I was falling asleep. I woke up several times and was dreaming hectic dreams. Now just woke up at 4am and it feels like I'll be awake for awhile.

What is going on? I'm not sure. But I was doing better, I thought, Diary...

I'm a little worried about rent and pulling everything together this month. I made these plans to visit Petra and Michael some time ago with the thought that I would definitely have more money than I do now. But of course I didn't factor in being sick for over a month and in general feeling like crap. Which may or may not be better than feeling like carp, I'm not sure.

I can't for the life of me seem to organize my schedule and that bothers me. I feel like everything is rushed and ill-manufactured, even though I have plenty of down time I don't do anything constructive with it. I have to get on the ball....really.

Thought seriously about calling Swing tonight. But I am not sure if I should. Now things feel really awkward and maybe he is just completely turned off... or maybe I did not show enough interest but I thought I did. Also I tend to go after the impossible and I'm wondering if that is what that is. Perhaps, because I guess if the guy really wanted to make something happen he would pursue me way more than he is doing so now! And it is my own rejection issue that makes me want to try and fix it when most likely, I should just walk away.

Time and time again I have to come back to this place of realization that no man is going to fill what needs to be filled here. I am still sorting it out and doing my best to make it work, and I guess that's all I can do. I suppose I am better than I used to be in the past... sometimes the energy would feel so crazy... like with Wisconsin... it was incredibly hurtful that he and I connected and then he just left, poof, disappeared and I could not even get in touch with him by phone. I have to say that Swing feels like a similar energy and maybe I had an inkling of that from the beginning... I should pay attention to my intuition.

Really I guess I could used all this masculine energy in my life as practice. I don't really see me and any of these guys ending up together in the long run. There was a short fantasy about making something happen with Swing, as in he has been the one I'm most attracted to and actually want to kiss and get physical with, as opposed to Elliot who kind of turns me off on a regular basis (just to be fair I didn't hang out with Elliot for about 3 weeks when I was sick, and had the intention of making a break with him when he came over with a huge flower arrangement- coindence? Maybe he senses when I want to break it off however subtle and then he makes some kind of romantic gesture to keep that from happening).

Anyhow, in regard to Swing, he might be good practice for taking a little risk and just calling him and yes, maybe he will reject me but in the long run it wouldn't kill me. If I could retain the knowledge that I am actually a pretty cool person and in reality, it is Swing that has more problems just being relaxed hanging out. And here, I have let all these men's fear of intimacy and whatnot dictate how I feel about myself. That is the fine line and that is what I have to be careful about.

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