barking up all the wrong trees [ 2009-01-16, 3:37 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

A few days on the go. I don't know what else to say about that... I came to Serena's class and this time I stayed with Thomas and his girlfriend. It was actually quite nice. I am already on my way out to go visit with Petra and Michael so it was okay with me to skip all the negotiating etc. that is required to stay with Nia and Lee or Stacey.

Nia called me a few days ago and left a very disturbing message... basically she said that she and Lee were barely holding it together. I know those two have had a rough couple of years (going to court for major repairs on their rental house, losing their jobs, having a baby, etc.) and an especially rough couple of weeks (cars requiring major expensive repairs, medical stuff, etc.). She said she just wanted someone to talk to, and broke into tears on the message. I felt for her and I did call her back and left her a message that she could call me, but I haven't heard back from her again.

Stacey I did see this morning... she and her kid are both sick. We went out for breakfast but it feels like most of the energy and the attention goes to her son, who is well past three but will not sit to eat and barely feeds himself. My friend is still putting food into his mouth like he's a younger child while he is squirming and running around and not paying attention to his food. I am all for letting babies be babies but I fear for him that he is not learning the proper skills to allow him to get ahead in life... I think he hates school because the teachers do not pamper to his outbursts and actually try to have some structure with him... he only ate a few bites and then ran around the restaurant, then he announced he wanted different food from another place, and his mother started packing him up to take him to another restaurant, instead of suggesting that he eat the food he already ordered.... seems a bit extreme at times. Especially when the at the table next to us there were two one-year-old girls sitting next to their mothers and feeding themselves.

Oh well, I know, I am not a mom, I just feel like an aunt to this little one and I worry for him that he is not getting a bit of structure in his life which will allow him to learn self-discipline. Lord knows I have very little of that and I miss it!

In other news, nothing much going on. Grace was not in class this month, and you know how happy that makes me. I have an inkling that Grace will probably not continue the class beyond the second year. On the whole she doesn't seem that committed, but maybe also that is just my hope because I don't want to see her anymore.

I talked to Thomas and his girlfriend quite a bit about what I might want to do for my next step for work. I definitely want to make things happen and create a change, but I seem to get stuck in my own head.

No news from any guys... that part of my life is pretty lame. I realize that I am probably projecting all over the place as far as men. Swing most likely is in no condition to have any kind of relationship at all. He seems to be a big chicken and doesn't call me. He wrote me a message on FB but only, as usual to get more information from me, but not to say hi or relate in any way. It's okay, I think it would be a hard road with him anyway. And Luke is obviously some kind of player. Who knows. I am probably barking up all the wrong trees.

Elliot and I chatted on FB for some time on Wednesday. He says "nice" things and that he misses me but everything he says is without feeling. There is nothing behind it... it is much like Alphie in that interacting with him is like interacting with a hollow man. He remarked that he would like to come with me when I go and visit Keith but in truth that will never happen and the thought of going on vacation with him is not enticing at all.

I keep saying we have to have a conversation and I know I have to bring it up, which is one of the hardest things for me. Because Elliot will not do it. He will float along in a sea of ambiguity and never say shit, because he has his own secret life that he continues to navigate and strategize through.

Damn.

I gotta go. This entry is taking forever.

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