Dear Diary,

I have a lot of work to do, but I also feel like I have to write. I am staying with Petra and Michael, and so far it has been pretty wonderful, as far as connecting with Petra. She is one woman that I feel relatively close to, in that she doesn't judge me and seems genuinely supportive.

However yesterday Michael made the observation that sometimes I act like a little kid, which I will own right here and admit it's true. Not in a selfish or tantrumy kind of way, but just small and playful and maybe very okay with people taking care of me. Perhaps it's because I wasn't allowed to act in certain ways when I was growing up (like I was definitely not allowed to be angry or exhibit certain other emotions without the threat of punishment) or perhaps it's because I didn't get adequate parenting. I didn't mind that Michael said it, but he made a comment again this morning first thing when I was awake. And that's the thing about Michael. He is not one to confront outright when something is bothering him, but rather makes snide comments that are very cruel. That's what it felt like today and I was surprised at how much it hurt my feelings.

I know I am a very sensitive type and my whole life I have been trying to "toughen up" and not feel what I actually feel. That doesn't ever seem to work and in fact makes me more miserable, so I am inclined to just accept the fact that 1) I may be childish, and 2) this is how I feel. And I have to sort out whatever feelings I have about being angry at someone else 1) not liking it and 2) not being able to express it to me in a nice way.

So there.

The other night I had another dream about M. I had asked him to meet me, and somehow I found myself in a huge warehouse where they were shooting a porno at one end... when I walked up to M he was overweight, his hair was long and not clean, and he was smoking a cigarette. I said, "What are you doing?!" and took the cigarette out of his hand and threw it on the ground. He wouldn't look me in the face, and I said, "Look at me!" and he said something like, "Oh, you and your friggin' eye contact..." He didn't want to do it.

My interpretation of the dream is that he is in his addiction (he doesn't smoke cigarettes in real life but has been known to get high- a LOT- and porn in my opinion is an addictive substance)... and cannot or does not want to connect with me. So much for my thoughts of contacting him... although it might not necessarily be the truth and could possibly just be my own fear, it is quite the turn-off.

In any case, I have also been thinking that maybe rather than trying to get a boyfriend at all (or get the old one back) or worrying about what's going on with men in my life in any way, I should just go back to focusing on myself and filling up what seems to be missing.

Not exciting, and uh, sex is totally missing in there... but, it might be necessary to avoid future disasters.

Love,
Duck

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