Dear Diary,

Watching today's events with a lot of hope. Hope that people won't just be momentarily inspired and then go back to sitting on their asses watching reality TV.

Hope for myself as well- to get out of the ruts I have been in. The good news is that I spent most of yesterday working and putting together my schedule. And also now that both Red and Ginny are moving out of town, there are a couple more business opportunities coming up for me. We will see how they pan out.

Other than that, not much going on. I seem to sleep well here... I woke up early this morning but do not feel as exhausted as usual. I eat better as well. Petra and Michael have tons of vegetables at every meal, and I've even been able to stay away from sugar for the most part. I've been walking around THINKING about eating sugar, but aware that I really don't need it and trying to do something else- like eat almonds or just question what is it exactly that I am feeling that makes me want to binge on chocolate when I really don't NEED it.

The weekdays I am on my own, as Petra and Michael are working. Yesterday I went down by the water, and I'm sad to say I don't know how to just be and relax. I still wanted to check my phone, have some kind of connection with someone. Then later in the afternoon I went through all my missed calls and started phoning some people back. I had to ascertain the order of who I really wanted to talk to- or not. I finally spoke to Inez and she has moved herself out of town as well... coincidentally enough, to the place where Red is moving. I'm sure he'll be thrilled... (not). I also played some more phone tag with Nia and she assured me she is feeling more in balance and probably just feeling the stress of marriage and motherhood and the whole bit.

Elliot texted me in the evening- making a reference to a movie I suggested he see- of course he had a sexual comment to make about it. It pretty much turned me off. Last night I read through my diary and realize I have been saying since November that this is not the guy for me and yet it is still happening... somehow... because there is no communication, he doesn't bring it up but seems to assume this incredible connection while I don't know how to bring it up at all. Actually I remember this scenario very well with Alphie, that I always wanted to know what I meant to him but was reluctant to ask because I had all these ideas about how bad it was to pressure men in the beginning about their feelings... well the truth was that we were entangled for about two years and NEVER did I get a straight answer out of him about much of anything... so this is the personality I am probably looking at as well. It's up to me to straighten this out and just tell him I don't think we're a good match for dating.

I do really wish I had someone incredible in my life, but realize it's a waste of time to try to turn a mediocre somebody into that incredible someone.

Love,
Duck

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