I am an idiot; a new kind of insomnia [ 2009-01-23, 8:12 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

This is the longest I've lived anywhere, besides my parents' house when I was younger.

I've been here, in this city, for almost 9 years now. I've lived in this apartment since October of 2003.

That's a long time, considering I was once a real rolling stone... moving from town to town and from one crazy living situation to another.

Now, the prospect of moving seems a bit intimidating. I'm wondering if I could ease the transition a bit somehow by starting out slow, planning more visits to the area and gaining more friends and scoping out work possibilities.

A little nervous about that.

So, this dinner party thing... I might be being a complete idiot. I was feeling stressed and like I couldn't possibly do it, then I got a text from Swing asking me if I was still having the party. He also called, but didn't leave a message.

And for some reason this made me want to have the party, if only to see him again. And I went ahead and told everyone else to come over. So am I really having the party for my friends or to connect with some idiot guy?

Since he hasn't called me AT ALL to make any plans or chat with me in any way, I really should know better that he is probably just a user, and the only reason he would really want to come over is to meet more people, and see what he could get. The only reason he's contacted me since our last date is to get the phone numbers of two guys that I work with, and to get info on a water filter. And even when I sent him the info on the water filter, he never responded by sending any kind of thank you.

He's probably not only afraid of me, but a user as well.

Now I have sent him directions to my house... and other folks will be here... Marva, Bethany, Red and a couple others... is it too late to withdraw my invitation?

Shit.

Howard stayed over last night, as I live relatively close to the airport and he is going away for the weekend. It was okay, since I shut him away in the other room, and tried to go to bed early. I went to bed at 12:30, and woke up at 3am and 6:30am. I've been awake since 6:30 now. It seems I am having a whole new kind of insomnia.

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