going away party [ 2009-01-26, 12:58 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Worked hard yesterday, very hard. A lot of running around to different places!

Last night was Red's going-away party... it was pretty big and I did cry a bit at the end. The funny thing was I am not sure if I was truly crying about Red leaving... because I feel as if I cannot really fathom about what that will be like. Right now we talk on the phone pretty much every day, even if we don't see each other for weeks. So I'm wondering if it will be the same.

But on Saturday I did make the intention to just be okay with my own grief. Surely you've noticed how much I've judged myself about not being able to move on in my romantic life... even when I did say I was just grieving and that is okay because that's the way it is... well then there was no one to talk to because nobody could really just hold space for me around the M issue, so I shut down, as well as retaining a small part of me that continued to judge myself for grieving.

Anyhow- so- last night I was crying because Oscar got out his guitar and sang a song to Red and I don't know, the feeling just came up. But it didn't feel totally about Red, it just felt like grief. That's okay with me, however it needs to come out.

Afterward a bunch of us went to dinner. Unfortunately it was too many people to manage putting at one long table, so we were actually split into two tables. Also unfortunately it was food that I do not like, but Red picked the restaurant. So basically I flitted back and forth between the two tables talking to people, and didn't eat anything. That was fine though, since I wasn't very hungry.

Elliot was there, and in truth I really don't mind hanging out with him and cuddling but I know I do not want to kiss him. He kissed me gently on the lips to say hello but did not really pressure or hound me the rest of the night for any kind of physical affection. Even when he said goodbye he just hugged me. The weird thing about this is that I feel like I have to be the communicator and say something but then again Elliot hasn't asked me anything or expressed anything either. This is exactly how I felt with Alphie, I remember... always feeling pressured like I had to say something or do something, and he would do nothing. Maybe the truth is that people like that are only conscious of their own needs and if they want something, then they'll do or say something about it, but if not, it goes unsaid.

Whatever!

Grr. Maybe a little irritation there...

Later.

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