#4

Dear Diary,

Last night I had an important realization.

I was watching my DVDs and some grief came up and I was able to cry quite a bit. I know that it is very good for me to cry because what often happens is I start, but only a little comes out and then I stop.

That's been going on for over a year.

So last night I had a couple episodes of crying, and what I realized is that the only thing I truly have to do is feel what I feel. Rather than trying to figure out how to feel something different.

Because I spend so much time feeling shitty about HOW I feel, so it's feelings layered on top of feelings and I'm judging my true feeling, which is grief. Then I frantically try to figure out what I can do to feel better- what's the solution? More therapy? This treatment or that?

When in actuality, instead of trying to force myself into a new feeling, if I let myself feel my true feeling, i.e., my grief.... well then I can just move through it.

I don't know, I may have been saying this is what I need to do... but last night I really got it. I feel so isolated and disenfranchised around this grief, but have I even been giving myself enough space to feel it? Not if I'm rushing myself into feeling something else... really, then, I'm doing exactly to myself what I hate people doing to me... not giving space to my feelings.

So I guess it's a good lesson.

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