Dear Diary,

What a day...

Last night a bunch of people came over: John, Marva, Bethany, Howard, Steffy, Red's friend Stevie and of course Red, who was sleeping over. Everybody brought something and we had a nice meal, a few folks left about 10pm with some tearful goodbyes to Red.

John, Marva, Bethany, Red and I were left and watched a movie. Then I was cleaning up in the kitchen and Marva and Red got left alone in my bedroom, I can imagine the basics of what was going on with them but of course I'm not sure. I packed everybody up and got them home, and then it was just Red and I. I made up his bed on the couch and he helped me move the bigger furniture and put things back in order. It was so nice to have a man in the house and finish these tasks in about 1/3 the time it would have taken me to do it myself.

The whole day was exhausting in that I had cramps and I'd also been to therapy earlier in the day. I talked frankly with therapist about wondering if the model she was using was working for me... I still feel that I don't trust her even after over a year of therapy... and that makes me somewhat sad. We also talked about money and how I don't want to disappoint her but I also feel extremely stressed about money and making ends meet and there is a desire to maybe cut therapy to every other week but then I fear judgment around avoidance. But there is the other fact of how I do not take financial responsibility for myself and get my most basic needs met and how I am confused about it all.

She pointed out how this reflected what happened to me in childhood and how no one would help me so as a result I never internalized that and now I could barely help myself. We did some work around it and I felt some intense feelings of despair, no doubt related to the grief I feel.

So that was my day, after which I went to the grocery store, then cooking and cleaning very similar to last week to get the place in shape for yet another party. While I was cooking, Smitten called. I forgot to mention that he had written me an email suggesting we go out, but I neglected to respond since I'd already given him my phone number in my last email, so he could call me if he wanted to. Well he called yesterday and was very endearing on the phone- he is out of town but says he wants to take me out next week. He reminds me quite a bit of Keith. He definitely wasn't my first choice but then again, my first choices don't tend to work out.

After therapy, shopping, cooking, hostessing and cleaning I was completely wiped. I told Red I was taking a bath and if he wanted I would leave the door open and we could talk, but I really needed to do it for my tired and crampy body.

We actually had a really good conversation which was very intimate, probably because he knows he is leaving, a lot of feelings came up in the evening and also we couldn't see each other so it probably felt good to say things and have some closure. He told me the truth around some of his behaviors that he never revealed to me before- mainly about his tendency to be sexually inappropriate with other women (not with me, though some of his interactions with other women have affected me). He is really working on it and I didn't even know some of the things that had happened. Nothing truly bad, nothing violent but just slight ways which are inappropriate and he is trying to change, things he might say or small gestures that point to something else.

Afterward I got out of the bath and put on my pajamas and he actually rubbed my feet and legs for me a little bit before I went to sleep. He said he suspects a problem with my adrenals because I have such terrible cramps and they descend all the way down to my feet.

I fell asleep and had a dream that Red came into my room and said, "Wake up, Duckie, it's time to go, wake up." But I had such terrible cramps and I said, "Fix these, Red," and he did and they went away but they kept coming back again. That's when I woke up and realized I did have cramps and they woke me up at 5:30am so I got up and took some Ibuprofen.

Then I had another dream involving rabid squirrels and a wolf (that I caught and put a muzzle on) and a man with a ponytail. I woke up around 10:30am and cooked Red a vegan breakfast while he took a shower. Then I made my own breakfast and we got ready for the day. He was telling me about he and Marva and a little bit of how they were fondling each other last night... I had promised Marva I wouldn't tell but Red is also my best friend, so I told him that Marva was seeing Ben. She of course never mentioned it to Red (why would she? they are not serious, just fooling around, haven't had sex, and Red is moving). Why I did this was just to let Red know because Ben is an awful person. He is a user and sleeps with hundreds of women, gets them hooked on drugs and uses them and then eventually leaves them an emotional wreck. I wanted Red to know that Marva was seeing him and that she truly would never be available because why would she be attracted to someone like that? Only if she valued herself very little or is very naive, because Ben could never and will never give her what she really wants, which is an intimate relationship with children. Marva makes a big deal about talking the talk of how she is not going to take any shit from Ben... but I really don't see any boundary. He still sleeps with many many other women (without a condom, as well as sleeping with Marva without one) and does whatever he pleases. So I really can't see why Marva thinks she is keeping a good boundary and not compromising herself.

At any rate this gave Red pause and actually he got very sad. He noted that many of the women that he has an attraction with have this wounded personality and he feels bad and like it is connected to his own problems with his sexual energy. I pointed out that he is a much better person that Ben and actually has a consciousness about the problem and is trying to do something about it. Whereas Ben does not try to change himself and continues to use women.

We both cried then about Red leaving and honestly I couldn't feel all my sadness because it doesn't feel real. I don't think it will feel real until I want to go to an event or restaurant and my first inclination is to call Red and have him go with me... then I will realize he doesn't live here anymore.

The other big thing about today is I got a message from Swing on FB. This is what it said:

********
Subject: okay, it's official I lost my Mojo

Dear Duck,

I've lost my mojo for you. It actually happened about a week ago. I think I lost it some where on Aspen Street after eating an especially uneventful slice of pizza.

I don't have any detailed reason as to why. It's certainly not because you aren't cute as pie and sexy as a Victoria's Secret model. I think it's just plain chemistry thing.

I'm also sorry I talked with you about a week ago and was like "yeah, I'll call you Sun or Mon and make plans." I should have sent you this note sooner.

Many would say this email is a really asshole way tell somebody they're not romantically into another person but, this is how I roll. It's how I'd like to be told. Really, how awkward is it to be live on the phone with someone who says this and you're now supposed be all cool and hold back tears, embarrassment, rage, etc.

In any case, romance aside, I do feel we're kindered spirits and would heartily continue a friendship with you. However you want to play it it's up to you.

In any case, I'll phone you soon to touch base. I didn't want to just not say anything and bring a wee bit of closure here.

Cheers,
Swing

*******
So that was that.

There were a bunch of feelings that came up for me around this: one, yes, I feel a typed message on FB is a very cowardly way to say this to someone. But, on the other hand, I suppose it's better than just having a guy completely disappear and never tell me anything. This has happened to me many, many times. And, at least he said he was sorry about not calling me when he said he would.

Two, I knew this already. He claims he just suddenly "realized after a slice of pizza" but I know really this guy is not ready for a relationship. He talks a lot of nostalgia, which I believe is connected to the death of his father which he is still not over... and he is afraid of women. He is afraid to need around women, for whatever reason.

Three... I am being rejected, but again, it's not really about me, it's about reason number two.

I called him somewhat later in the day, and I was actually impressed that he picked up the phone. I told him that I agreed, it was kind of an asshole way to tell someone, but, I appreciated that he DID tell me. And, I was open to being his friend. I also put in the fact that I thought his behavior leaving me at the bus station was bad. So I got it all off my chest.

Then I hung up the phone and felt more conflicting feelings. This is rejection. This is when someone says, I do not choose you. And that's okay- because we choose and reject things all the time... the flavor of muffin, which flight to take, what clothes to wear. Who to hang out with, who to date, how far to go. Choosing and rejecting. A person cannot be chosen all the time.

And now, for me, a new way to deal with rejection. With a different consciousness. With everything I have learned about myself... there is some sadness... but also knowledge... it's like they are colliding... I am trying to integrate it all... intense feelings. Not knowing where to be with it. Maybe it will be okay. Rejection does not have to be devastating. It does not have to be the end of me. I even had a flash that maybe, just maybe, I could someday talk to M and if I WAS rejected again, I would still be okay.

It's still fuzzy around the edges and still hard to explain, but I feel like I'm on the verge of something new.

I then called a bunch of people. I called Petra, and Nia, and talked to them both (separately) specifically about how I was feeling and trying to figure it out. They were both very supportive. I don't know if they completely understood, but at least I felt like they tried to hold space and not to judge. I called LilyB. She was ecstatic to hear from me and invited me out dancing tomorrow night. I don't know if I can do it, since I feel exhausted most evenings by 10pm. I tried to call Serena but got her answering machine, and I left a message for therapist.

I feel better now... I cried some. I am figuring it all out. Maybe this is how I'm getting better. I feel like I am on the verge of something, I just don't understand it. But it will reveal itself.

I want to tell Red about it, but he's on a plane, flying to his new home.

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