Dear Diary,

Life continues to roll on; I'm exhausted and thinking something may very well be up with my health. I may need to do another cleanse. I think I ate something that disagreed with me mightily.

I didn't clean, or work- I don't know what I did. I should really do those things. But I have to go to bed.

I did talk to Bethany about my knitting. Bethany is helping me knit my first ever sweater from a pattern. I can do basic knitting and knitting of scarves and sometimes square things like blankets, but I have never understood how to read a pattern and knit something as complex as a sweater. So that's what we're doing. Bethany is also making a sweater in a different color. So far I'm doing really well and pretty much finished with one sleeve; I have to show my handiwork to Bethany tomorrow and she will tell me what to do next. I'm actually quite proud of myself.

I also spoke to Red. He has been getting some things together in his new apartment- bought a laptap and a few other items. He is waiting for the movers to bring the bulk of his stuff. He's hanging out with Callie, a woman I've only talked to on the phone and never met in person, and I think he should marry her. He's already trying to find ways to get out of it. Oh, Red and your avoidance of intimacy!

I got some information about some doctors from Carla. As well as another hypnotherapist. I appreciate what Rosie says about putting the M situation on a shelf, and it would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't have dreams about him practically every night. And no matter what else I do, I am still stuck in circles of anxiety. So it's my deduction that something deep is going on in my subconscious that I just can't seem to understand on this level.

Well there is this theory that whatever happened to me in childhood- rejection/assault/abandonment etc was perceived as an extreme trauma and now whatever happened with M is triggering that trauma. But since I am unable to remember specific events and abuses (either as a result of being too young at the time, or blacking out- actually I do have some memories of being about to be beaten and everything goes black right as my father begins to hit me) I have made M the symbol of my "lost object" or, the love of the parent that I lost. I have realized by recollecting those memories that in split seconds I felt shock and grief in the rejection of someone beating me, then anger, before I blacked out completely. My youngest memory is being beaten in a high chair, so I think I couldn't have been more than two years old. But I'm sure it wasn't the first time.

So that is the theory. Somehow whatever safety/love I felt with M became representative in my mind of being loved and feeling safe. And his leaving felt like the deep loss of home. It's like there's two levels of things going on: one, the adult situation of losing someone I really love, because I do really love him and he is a pretty good person - and two, all the subconscious stuff that I was projecting onto the relationship in regard to safety, love, and protection. So I understand all this, and a lot of what I'm grieving, is the loss of myself in the process of growing up in a chaotic and rejecting household. I don't know if I've ever clarified that before, but I am very aware of it. Therapist and I have actually spoken about this many times and how I can use the symbolism and situation with M to try to express my needs for love and explore whatever troubles I have with lack of love for myself. Even when I find myself thinking that this is the last man that could ever love me, I am aware that this is child-like thinking and the young part of me that just wants my lost object back.

While my adult still very much loves M and that's okay, I do want him in my life and I want to be able to handle the fact that that may not be in a romantic capacity. And, I do not want to try to make a connection with him while the young child trauma is still up so strong. I don't need those two things mixing any more than they have been. Basically, I prefer for this not to have any power over me at all, but it's easier said than done at this point.

So I suppose putting M on the shelf would look like what I have been doing, which is doing my best to put the focus on myself, and this young part of myself, and trust that some kind of healing is happening, even if it's happening through dreams in which M is again the symbol- well who knows.

And doing my best to trust a Universe that really, I feel never took very good care of me in the first place, growing up in a domestic war zone. But I did survive it, quite well actually, considering all the things I can do, such as knit a fairly decent sweater sleeve. But it seems the thing I want the most, someone to just STAY and love me and let me love them, eludes me like no other. So that seems to be my work. But as far as M goes, I can't fix it now. Anything about it, even the friendship part.

I guess some kind of gate has opened, these tests that come my way: Elliot, and Swing... to see how I would react to men that are obviously NOT for me... will I settle? Well it took some time but I haven't. I am learning the new language of watching out for myself, which no one ever taught me before but I feel that Serena is trying to teach me now. For that I am very grateful.

And now I see a whole string of people and events that saved me in the nick of time- I have a lot of gratitude for all that!! I certainly must have a guardian angel or two. And the thought of my grandmother watching over me know and lending her love and support is most pleasing to me, even though I miss her terribly. I'm also really grateful for those that read my diary and occasionally write a supportive note, this is the place where I feel safest to say what is really going on for me. Life these days is such a complex and, maybe, bizarre situation, and not the kind of thing people usually have time to listen to, and I certainly couldn't explain it on an elevator.

I was a little bored and lonely today, and I know that's a sign of needing to love myself and not quite knowing how. I was wishing I would hear back from either Luke or Smitten.

Hmm.

I should have been sleeping an hour ago. Somehow I just started writing things I had no intention to write...

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