Dear Diary,

Started an entry here, but lost it. Not much to report anyway, another lazy day in which I am avoiding going outside, until I have to go to work...

Smitten asked me my plans for this weekend via email, and I finally just emailed and said he should call me, because I prefer to make plans by phone. Later he wrote back, "Sweet, I'm gonna call you right now!" And that's when I realized the difference between the man's "right now" and the woman's "right now." Because I read that message at 4:44. And I'm like, okay, isn't now, now? But he ended up calling me at 5:05. So just in case you're wondering, ladies, the masculine right now is 20 times longer than the feminine right now.

Helps to know because I think I just get anxious about people showing up for me or not... and I have to SLOW down... slow down Duckie. And just relax, it will be okay. But I know I go on overdrive with my anxiety attacks and stuff, which is just my old brain on overdrive.

Anyway Smitten and I had a really sweet conversation and sent some pictures back and forth. It seems he travels a lot, practically living in three different places, and I guess he has about 20 different projects that he's working on, and several websites... I don't know what kind of money he has, but it seems enough to do all this stuff and go everywhere.

I remember what he looks like, but he sent me a couple photos and confirmed that at first glance he is not "my type" at all, and I'm really not that physically attracted to him. But I know all that can grow on a person, and like I mentioned before, my type usually ends up being pretty unsatisfying anyway.

After our conversation I did feel a little sad. I guess because I still don't feel that intense zing I had with M... and my heart is missing it. But I am doing my best to be open to whatever the Universe is giving me now, and not get too ahead of myself. What if Smitten is just a really good companion, and turns out to be someone I can trust and have fun with? He seems very real right off. He asked me out for tomorrow, after work. His friend is taking him to a party, and Smitten wants me to go too. I told him I'm not very good at making small talk, and he said neither is he. So, we agreed to talk to each other, and maybe go get something to eat.

So... I'm aware that there's a part of me that is ridiculously in love with M and doesn't want to "cheat" on him. Which is weird because I'm perfectly okay with us sleeping with other people and doing whatever we have to do, but I might actually be afraid about falling in love with someone else. I guess I have to remember that the Universe brings people into my life for a reason, and also, it IS possible to love more than one person at a time.

It will be okay. It will be okay.

(Just my mantra to get me through my weird intimacy problems, don't mind me).

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