Dear Diary,

Yesterday I was feeling quite exhausted all day, and my client was late so I was running more than an hour behind. I called Smitten when I was done with work, then waited almost an hour and a half for him to get here.

He showed up with a balloon and a wilted flower, like a sad clown. In a way it's kind of funny, but in another way... he's more like a child than a man, and, I don't know if that's enough for me. He took me out to eat, not at my first choice but at a new restaurant in my neighborhood which I've never tried before... it was mediocre, a little disappointing for both of us, and I felt like some ingredient in my dish was giving me a headache.

We then went to a party full of very trendy 20-somethings, and I felt so out of place with all that, the whole thing was rather surreal, actually. I spent most of the time talking to Smitten's friend, who seems like a cool guy, and just watching these artsy kids with their wine and a certain air about them... I was having trouble relaxing due to my headache, and eventually Smitten and I left. A couple of times he got close like he was going to kiss me, but didn't. I admit I wasn't very encouraging.... I felt nervous and pressured to make a decision.

Then we came back to my house, and hung out for a little bit. Smitten seems very concerned about my health and has suggested I go get a blood test, since I am so exhausted all the time. I guess I will go do that, even though I don't have any doctor, insurance or anything like that. I am a little nervous about it, the cost, and the timing, because I have to leave on Wednesday and what if I need medication? Plus I just hate being sick or thinking that something is that seriously wrong with me. I just have an issue with it.

We cuddled a bit and there was one moment where Smitten felt very masculine to me, we were spooning and he whispered in my ear, "You are sooo beautiful," It was nice and I wish I could tell him that I would like him to be that way with me all the time, without hurting his feelings. Maybe I will bring it up as a positive and it will encourage him to be like that more?

Anyway he left, we didn't kiss or anything, but he says we are going to get together before I leave, and he will give me a treatment. I went to bed at 2am and slept for maybe 7 hours, then I woke up worried my alarm wasn't going to go off- I have a lot of useless, silly anxiety about stuff like that. So I was awake for another hour, kind of fell back asleep then it was time to get up, but I was so tired I went back to bed for another 20 minutes...

I worked today and it went well. Afterward I met Carla for a taco. It was nice to talk to her but it felt like she wanted to go home after only a short time, so I wonder if something was weird there? I'm not sure, but I guess I shouldn't worry about it too much.

First things first, I have to get my health straightened out, one way or another. Then I really have to get my work set up and dedicate myself to that. Period.

I talked with Red tonight about Smitten, and he said I should just encourage what I like, and not criticize what I don't like. That Smitten showed up for a reason, and maybe it's even about accepting certain things for myself.

I don't know. We called each other today but only got voicemails, and we have sent some photos back and forth via email. I worry that I may have hurt his feelings with my pulling away... but... what can I do?

I learned a little about him... his father left the family when he was 11... he tried to reconnect with his father several times after and was always rebuffed. So maybe that's why he's not so masculine? Also he changed his original name so his father could no longer find him, to "fuck up his life." I didn't really ask details on that one.

He asked me when we were walking down the street, what did I want? I paused a moment and then I decided to just tell the truth. I said I wanted someone to love, who would love me deeply. Then there was a long awkward silence. Eventually changed the subject. But later I asked him what he wanted, and he said, "The same as you." And he held my hand.

At one point we were talking about spiritual beliefs, and he said something about losing all his faith, and not being sure what he believes in. And I asked him, "Did your heart get broken?" Yes, he nodded. And I said, "I guess that's how the Universe teaches us a lesson, sometimes," and that was also an interesting moment where I could feel a lot of compassion for him.

He's definitely sweet, a lover and an artist and a creative individual. So I'm just going to be with it and see, as Red suggests. And not trying to make this anything more than what it is, I am just noticing my own judgments and what, if anything, they reflect about myself.

So that's that. I'll be going to sleep now. One last thing- a text from Swing, saying he got my FB message and he would "call me soon."

Yeah. Heard that one before!

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