the Smitten mystery continues [ 2009-02-11, 12:36 a.m. ]

Okay, Diary,

I am giving up on one level...

I didn't want to take my computer with me traveling, but I guess I am going to. I cannot finish the work I need to do here at 12:30 in the morning, I need to sleep!

I definitely could have planned better around getting ready for this trip. I left too many things to be done today... I was chatting with Don on FB and forgot the checks I wanted to put in the bank- so I went back and got them. Then I called a cab to take me to therapy because there was no way I was going to make it in time.

Therapy was okay- therapist is very much hooked on one idea. She saw my knitting in my bag and asked me about it, and that sparked a conversation about things I start and do not finish. I told her about this blanket I had started to knit for M for his birthday, but of course I put it away when we broke up.

Therapist believes I should finish the blanket and send it to M. Because it's not my blanket and never will be- and I guess she believes that it will be some kind of process for me to send it to him (even though I have thought about sending him things before, but I refrain because it always made him feel worse- I guess because he kept some kind of score in his head and the more I did for him, the more he felt like he had to do for me). Therapist says send him the blanket and let him deal with his own feelings.

I'm not really sure, because I didn't get to tell her about Smitten at all. I did tell her about the incident with Swing and how different that felt to deal with rejection that way. And I also told her how I wrapped things up with Elliot. She seemed somewhat disturbed that I had told Elliot we could just be "cuddle buddies" - and said that I was splitting love and sexuality. I really don't know what she's getting at, because she said we'd have to talk about it next time. I don't see what the big deal is. Apparently she thinks it's not okay to cuddle with someone you're not attracted to? Maybe sending the wrong message? Well it will all have to be revealed to me later I guess. All I know is when Elliot was here we lay on the couch spooning watching a movie with our clothes on, and it was comfortable for me and that works for me. Maybe she has something else in mind.

She kept talking intently about how I want to be with M and how important it is that I go forward with contacting him. But the truth is I have been focusing all my energy on Smitten these last few days and this has made me wonder. But I know I can get very confused with any kind of attention. And I know I'm messed up too and stuff and pretty much I latch onto someone and idealize them. It's part of this pattern I have...

So I don't know. I suppose I should have brought it up, but there literally wasn't time in the session and I actually felt like I was competing with her for talking time. Perhaps this every-other-week therapy will be difficult because too much stuff happens in two weeks!

What I was noticing about Smitten today was I like that he is smart and he knows how to do lots of things. I went over there after therapy and after yoga with Bethany... to get another treatment. And I guess Smitten was in the middle of working on this guy's website but he took me into his room and starting sticking needles in my ears right in front of the guy, and the guy was saying, "Wait, you do acupuncture too? Geez, Smitten, you do like 50 things!" So his interest is varied and he is good at what he does.

M really didn't work when I knew him because he was trying to figure out his life. He had made some money in business and basically spent a large part of the day doing not much! And then he started going to school... but he didn't really have any passion about anything, because he was lost.

Whereas Smitten gets excited about many things, and not only that, has the confidence to do them. M was so hard on himself and would sabotage himself in so many situations...

So while I love M with all my heart, this made me look at what life was like with him. As I said before I was constantly taking care of him and trying to make him feel better about himself. Why am I attracted to someone like that? And it was like those problems were so big that sometimes it made it really hard to just sit back and relax or just have sex, because M was all in his mind and pressuring himself. More than not everything was a hurdle to get over before we could just BE, and CHILL.

And there's a part of me that really WANTS to experience something with this free spirit, this unattractive little man. I can't believe I feel this way, I can't believe I'm saying this! After all this time and feeling like I couldn't possibly stray away from M, and he is my soulmate and there couldn't possibly be something better? It's so bizarre to me but I guess I can just sit with it. This crazy person, who is nothing like what I would ever ask for, but he is incredibly talented, smart, embodied, sensual and sensitive...

Yeah, I think I want to sleep with him. I might be nuts.

So, anyway, before all that with Smitten, I met Bethany at her house and we did some yoga. Then I had to run to the bank and thought I MUST get something to eat because this is not good, not eating during the day and having reactions at dawn to improper food. So I came up with what I thought was an excellent plan: I would run to the bank, Bethany would run into the grocery store and buy me a salad and whatever she wanted, and we would sit outside and eat together since the day was warm. She asked me what I wanted and I said, uh, just a salad with chicken on it.

All seems to be going well and Bethany shows up at the appointed place with box in hand. I open it and inside is pasta, chicken and dumplings of some sort. I say, where's the lettuce? And Bethany says, you wanted lettuce? Yes, I say, a salad is what I asked for. Oh, she says, to me a salad is something with tuna, or something else...

Well obviously. It was too late to go back and I had to eat something, but I was bummed about eating this heavy food when my body is already having a problem. Bethany had also picked out the wrong food for herself, because she was in a hurry and grabbed the wrong scone. So we had a good laugh about our "wrong food" picnic, which eventually turned into hysterics. Because sometimes Bethany tries to do really nice things for me, but somehow they usually go awry!

That's when I realized she is most likely my best friend at this moment and the one I feel I can share the most with!

Anyway after that I rushed to see Smitten and get my treatment. I told him how good I was feeling even after just one time, and he said the second one would help too. Ideally he wanted to do several in a row, but I am leaving tomorrow and that will not happen... I hope I will be okay. I do feel so much better. Hooray, Smitten!

There were other people in the house that slowly filtered out: Jimmy, and the website guy, and a lady I was never formally introduced to. Then it was just me and Smitten all alone. But he had to take a shower and rush to his next job, and walked me to the door. He said, "I hope I'm here when you get back," and I said, "Me too. Are you waiting till I get back to kiss me?" and he looked at me with a sly smile and said, "Maybe."

And can you believe, I gave that guy an opening and he still didn't kiss me! Hmm, what's up with that?

It remains a mystery, but yes, Beanie, I surmise his heart's been broken and maybe he is nervous? It's all a little nuts, this whole thing.

After that I called Bethany while I was walking, got some food, turned my stuff in at the library, went grocery shopping for items I need for travel, went to the drugstore to get makeup remover, came home, packed my bag and cleaned the house. I hope for the best.

And Smitten sends little emails like "Feeling better? I hope."

Maybe I won't take my computer...

And that means no updating!

Will you miss me?

Love,
Duck

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