after a long hard season [ 2009-02-11, 9:13 p.m. ]

Dear Diary Friends,

Thanks for your notes and thoughts about the Smitten situation. It helps for me to have a place to tell the truth, as confusing as it may be sometimes. Right now I'm aware that I'm resistant to talking to anyone else about how I feel, maybe besides Bethany. I think I am afraid that there would be this "thank God you're finally over M" type of mentality. And I don't want to hear anything like that because the truth is 1) everything has been a very real and very intense process for me and I would still like some compassion and RESPECT for that process, which I absolutely deserve; 2) I'm still not sure how I feel about the M stuff so I don't want people to assume what kind of place I am in, because I don't even know.

Incidentally, everytime someone spoke to me about my situation and used the term "moving on" - i.e. "Duck, you should do whatever you need to to MOVE ON," or, "It seems that M has moved on," - I wanted to strangle them. I don't want to move on, motherfucker, just let me be.

But that is neither here nor there. Now I am having some kind of new experience... ???

Today I made it to the airport just fine and I'm not sure, but I believe with more energy and less anxiety than usual. I am never anxious about flying but have anxiety about other things like missing my flight, losing my luggage or getting in trouble (?) for having too much stuff in my suitcase. But I think the acupuncture has really helped! When I was originally talking to Smitten about my numerous health problems he said, "I will make you sleep." I said, "That's the sexiest thing a man's ever said to me." He kind of laughed and said, "You're not serious." I said, "I've had insomnia for five years. I'm very serious."

Anyway, made it to the airport and Smitten had sent me a text to have a good flight. That kind of text, if you're wondering, is acceptable to me because it is a sweet wish (and not an avoidance of actual human contact). I called him, we spoke briefly, and have sent each other pictures throughout the afternoon.

After a long hard season of grief and heartache, this is a nice thing to have.

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