Dear Diary,

Last couple of days with Keith have been good... his car broke down and we had to make use of walking and the local bus. One day his friend Amy came and picked us up. Amy is never on time, so that's a bit of a drag, also she is young and has the need to pretty much be the topic of conversation all the time.

The latest drama is that she is dating some new guy, who was already 'casually' involved with an older woman, and that is creating some more chaos and drama, which she and Keith constantly dissect... why, because Keith hardly has the ability to focus on himself, so it's always about Amy. Sometimes when I talk to Keith on the phone, he has to tell me all about Amy's problems and the goings-on in her life.

Keith is also in love with Amy, but rather dysfunctional in life and relationships, and this is one way to stay close to her. I suppose Amy loves Keith in her own way, as much as she is capable of loving someone as a friend. But overall she is pretty self-focused, and uses all men to her fullest advantage, including her roommate, her boss, and God knows who else.

So she and Keith were constantly dissecting the behaviors and words of this new guy, and the more Amy gets into him of course, the more Keith finds fault with him, of course.

They tried to pin me down in this conversation, in the hopes that I would join in the (not) fun and chatter on about him. But I barely said anything because in truth I believe the guy is selfish, and in that regard he is the perfect reflection of Amy. And rather than being like Keith and trying to persuade Amy against making "a mistake", I think she should just make her own choices and explore it and maybe learn something in the process, rather than be coddled and use all these men in her life. That of course is my own judgment, but, hey. I think she is very fake, self-centered and leaves the onus of clear communication on other people, and that to me is a drag. Might trigger feelings of the years I spent entangled with Alphie, so I guess I have trouble finding those qualities attractive in a person.

Still, Amy is Keith's closest, if not only friend, since he has trouble fitting in this world. I only hope she won't use him up and throw him away.

I've decided I'm going to send Keith some kind of care package with some basic essentials, like soap, flatware, maybe a dishtowel or two. He was homeless at one point so a lot of the thing he does have are trashed. Now that he is getting some assistance he is able to keep things a bit cleaner. I could even send him some things that I have extra of, because really I have more than enough towels and linens and things.

Anyhow, today was a great day because we went to the beach for a short while.... then the weather turned sour after lunch and we had to catch the bus and do quite a bit of walking in the rain.

I called Smitten to tell him a bit about my adventures and he said out of nowhere, "You miss me," which, well, might be true. He also makes lots of crass comments about me taking my clothes off, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. But he hasn't even kissed me so, he in general feels kind of harmless about stuff like that. Contrary to Swing, he said over and over again how happy he was that I had been having a good little vacation and that I deserve it. At the end of the call he wished me a safe flight back and said, "Bye, beautiful," which just melts my heart because you know, I am a sucker for nicknames.

Now I'm so tired that I can't even see straight, after an overnight flight that consisted only of light dozing. I've had a sour stomach ever since I was waiting for the bus to take me to the airport. Stress, maybe.

How I am feeling now about M, I don't know. Everyone pretty much wants to write him off as a person who cannot receive love. It is still hard for me and I know as far as Smitten goes, I am still in some kind of crush phase that could very well mean nothing... Smitten could go back home on Tuesday and I might never hear from him again. Plus there ARE weird things about his personality that I'm not sure about.

At the same time, now I look back on my relationship with m and I see all the difficulties. Was he ever really with me? That's what I ask myself. There were so many obstacles for him to just be chill and relax. He still had to do so much processing about his ex-wife. But I remember us talking after we broke up and him assuring me that yes, it was real. There were moments when he definitely felt me.

And I know therapist will be checking in on me on Tuesday about that stupid blanket, which I haven't done anything with. I didn't tell therapist about my trip to see Keith, because we had a discussion about me cutting down therapy due to cost, but I had already booked the trip with him and I didn't want to feel like I had to justify myself. Also in the last session I never got to mention Smitten and my changing feelings, these doubts about M and the possibility that I didn't feel as strongly about getting him back.

I don't know. Guess we will just have to see how everything unravels itself.

Now I've got to work on catching the bus to Stacey's...

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