Dear Diary,

I guess it's hard for me to understand about love sometimes. I have difficulty really accepting that people in my life love me so much that they will let me stay at their place, eat their food, drive their cars, etc. Somehow there is a fault in my ability to truly take in that energy of love. I often feel like I have to do more, be 'good' to keep on earning that kind of love. As a result I am keeping score in my head and always trying to do more, be more, to keep on being loved.

Apparently it all doesn't make much sense to people that do know and love me. Sometimes I can see myself from 'outside' of myself, and I think I am a pretty awesome person. I have accomplished a lot in my life and am emotionally responsible, a fairly good communicator, always willing to learn and grow... I am a good partner even though I know I can give too much sometimes and be a bit overbearing.

That's something else I'm learning about too. Sometimes when I am attached to love looking a certain way or even focusing too much on trying to give to a person, they feel overwhelmed by my need, even if it's my need to give. In this case my giving/loving can actually feel like a demand more than anything else... and they leave, because it actually feels easier not to be with me than to be with me. For the longest time I didn't understand this, and couldn't understand how someone could NOT be with me, after I worked so hard to love them.

I know it will take some time, and good things are happening like my building ego strength and being better about it all. Still I am impatient because I notice my obsessive crushiness and I just want to be like a 'normal' emotionally healthy person and be okay no matter who's in my life.

So, just a word about love and my problems with it.

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