lots of shopping and a word about sarcasm [ 2009-02-24, 12:44 a.m. ]

#2

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write more this afternoon, about how I called Keith and was talking to him about Smitten, how I feel afraid and confused, can't read the signals- worry he is just going to use me for sex, and go in and out of feelings and fears of abandonment.

Keith told me it's rough to come from that place, and hard on the other person too, because a man can feel that neediness and it is a turn-off to him. So I really have to get myself straightened out, and first and foremost just to be aware of my patterns as patterns and be able to say, "Oh, there it is again- my neediness/fear etc," and just know that it's not necessarily the truth.

He also pointed out that I have a habit of finding rejection in every situation (which I agree is true) and his next suggestion was to make a list of all the ways Smitten had initiated intimacy, which is the list I made last night and did not save. I will try to recreate a bit of it here.

WAYS SMITTEN HAS INITIATED INTIMACY:
1. Called me out of the blue the first time.
2. Brought me a chocolate bar on our first date.
3. Took me out to eat two times.
4. Every time he sticks a needle in me and it hurts, he rubs my back a little bit in a very nurturing way.
5. He knows I like two blankets and tucks me in after each treatment.
6. He told me quite a bit about his family.
7. He tells me I'm cute and beautiful.
8. The other day he kissed me on the back of the head. I loved it.
9. He was totally supportive of my trip and hearing about my adventures, and said, "I'm so happy for you."
10. Sent me lots of photos via email.
11. Called me once in the morning because he wanted to be sure and catch me before I was on the go.

There is more, but can't think of them right now.

Maybe this isn't such an impressive list, but I think Keith's point was to focus on the positive rather than help perpetuate the negative.

The reason why I didn't write this stuff in my earlier entry of 12 hours ago was because Smitten DID call (I had just written him off and given up on the concept of having a treatment today, since he didn't call in the night or the morning) and said he was working but he would have time to treat me if I stopped by. So I took a shower and was on my way... needles were painful today as it's been over two weeks since the last session... I don't feel much different today like I did the first time, but I guess things are moving along. Smitten as usual was flirtatious, he says things like I am trouble and uses all kinds of sexual inuendo, but that's as far as it goes. Maybe he is waiting until I get better? I would say he doesn't want to mix up the professional part with the attraction part, but the amount of sexual innuendo that's happening already makes that kind of ridiculous.

Anyway I was also getting cramps, which he said is due to stagnation and basically acupuncture didn't really help the cramps at all. So after the session he gave me an Aleve, and I was on my way to Bethany's dance class. It was a very low turn out, just me and another person- but Bethany was glad I was there and I know that feeling because I've had events where I was just hoping someone would come and it's always a relief to see a familiar face. It was a good class and I felt much better afterward, moving all that energy around...

Afterward Bethany and I went to Whole Foods, I wanted to buy a gluten-free cake mix, and some things to send Keith. Bethany and I ended up doing some shopping for ourselves, but the whole time we were talking in horribly fake British accents, sometimes pretending we were lesbian lovers. Then we tried on all the reading glasses in the store, and took pictures of each other with our phones. Then we had a snack. These are the kind of things that amuse us, Bethany and I.

I lugged all my groceries home, stopped at the local drugstore to buy a few more things for Keith- sunblock, bandaids, q-tips... basic things I think he will need living where he lives. Some things that are nice to have- a journal, a good pair of scissors (I noticed his were shot and covered with plaster), pens and post-its, and a water-resistant jacket that was only twenty bucks. All in all I spent almost $90, but really, I feel good about doing it. Keith has trouble getting himself together and I would like him to enjoy where he is living now. I guess tomorrow I will have to see about getting him some towels.

Now I am home, stuff is scattered everywhere... seems I have only made my clutter problem worse. And it is that time of year where I have to get on my taxes as well. Not looking forward to it... for now my intention is to sleep.

No surprise that Smitten said he would call me tonight to check on me but did not. However I will have to see, because he did say he had a LOT of work to do and I got the feeling he was going to hammer away at it this evening so he would have time to see me during the day. I could be totally wrong about that, but in the end there is nothing I can do about that crazy man, I can only control me, so I need to keep on with my own life so I don't completely lose myself in my obsession.

One thing that bugs me about Smitten is his tendency to sarcasm. Most of the time he is very sweet but then sometimes it's difficult to get a straight answer out of him. I really don't like sarcasm and I am not at all used to it as I stopped using it many years ago (except for in diary entries!) because I became aware of how mean I sounded. Plus it was non-existent in my last relationship and it is foreign to me, to talk to people you care about in such a passive aggressive way... so I told him I don't like it and I don't use it. I guess if he continues with it, I will just gently let him know that I don't like it, and I will emphasize what I do like when he is real in sharing with me. Or, I might just get tired of it altogether.

That's it for now...

Later.

Duck

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