#3

Dear Diary,

Well today was not the best day in terms of taking care of myself. I think I literally sat in the same chair for over 12 hours. That's no good!

I ate some cereal in the afternoon, and am just eating some salmon and salad now. That's no good!

Don't ask me why... after just having a big conversation with several people about taking care of myself... that I am acting this way.

I refrained from calling Smitten even though I really wanted to. I know my sister Delia would just say something like, "When I want to do something, I just do it, what's the big deal?" But I know I have a tendency to be OBSESSIVE and needy and I know why but it doesn't make it any better knowing why.

Damn. So I have to mete out my communication and affection because I know I am in this place and that it can be overwhelming and drive people away. I am doing all I can to be with it... I know it may sound odd, even Keith said, "One shouldn't strategize with love and affection... if I want to give to someone I just give to them... unless you have a giving compulsion."

Well that's what I have, people. A compulsion. An otherwise, smart sensible woman of many talents who has this ugly little overwhelming compulsion. So I have to watch it. Believe me, I wouldn't lie to you! I'm an over-giver to the point of discomfort.

Yes, I like Smitten, he seems to like me, he has referenced the fact that there is sexual attraction between us, he did say he wanted to spend a different quality of time with me, which we never got to do, because of his work. And there's this other thing.

(Sigh).

I am frustrated. Really, really frustrated right now that this is the way I am. It is like a disease that no one else understands. It seems silly and ridiculous therefore I have about one thousand pounds of shame about it as well.

Today I called Paul back, finally... he left a message for me a few days ago. I was kind of dreading it but it was actually a nice conversation. He got laid off from his job, and is going traveling next week and will see the woman that he was so broken up about. He does not know what will happen, but has a lot of worry about the fact that she might try to sabotage their meeting. I gave him my opinions on what to do and he said, "Wow, I always feel so good just talking to you." He asked me if I wanted to get together next week, I said sure. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean in a romantic way, at least that's the way I'm taking it. As far as I'm concerned, we crashed and burned. But I don't mind keeping in touch.

Why does knitting make my hands cramp? I thought it was supposed to keep joints supple.

See, I told you I'm compulsive. I'm probably holding my needles too tight!!

I need to go to bed.

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