Dear Diary,

Well everybody's all freaky about the weather. So far I have not been out and it's not affecting me so I don't care.

Yesterday was a tough day... I'm kinda pissed about it because I had very low attendance... I don't know if people were worried about the weather or what, but I didn't get a very big turnout at my presentations. I just feel exhausted and angry about what feels like climbing uphill all the time financially. I'm wondering if I NEED to be mad at the Universe so it's just giving me an excuse.

I was already exhausted from work last night but it was also Steffy's birthday and they were having a dinner for her. I went across town to meet them for dessert. I thought I might eat dinner there too, but there wasn't an entree that was less than $17, so I figured forget it. It was great to see the girls (except for one girl named Allison who seems to suck the energy out of everybody, but, I dunno- I wanted to punch her more than once because it feels like she is always in my space to the point of getting my hair caught in her sweater etc.)

Can you tell I'm a little grouchy today? Well I am. I'm pissed at all my hard work and still no money, and people who don't know how to give another person enough space.

And I called to cancel my therapy appointment- yes, because I'm nervous now and don't feel like I can afford it. Therapist called me back but I don't even feel like talking to her- I know she will try to convince me to have an appointment, and I will say I don't have the money and she will say that is just a reflection of how I never got any support and as a result cannot support myself and I should come into therapy and work on it. But the fact remains I have been going for a year and a half, nothing feels like it's changing at this point (I know it probably is, but I don't feel like it) and even though I know all this stuff about therapy, I just DON'T WANNA. I just want a break from her and her constant clamoring about how she wants to support me because really, at this point, I feel like the best thing she could do for me is LET ME BE. I want to catch up on my debt. I need some time to figure it out. I feel pushed and overwhelmed. I know it's all my shit, fine.

Okay, I just got myself worked up into such a tizzy about that. I'm alternating between feeling grouchy and sorting through taxes. I actually don't have that much left to do... considering. I did some organization around last June or July so that always helps.

Have not heard from Emily- I know she's in town, but I don't really know when I'll get to see her. I have a fantastic headache, probably as a result of more food/digestion issues. Might also be contributing to grouchiness.

As long as I'm listing things I'm unhappy about, might as well mention that I am truly bummed about Smitten and his frickin' mixed messages. I mean where do you think he got the name Smitten anyway? He was all over me a couple weeks ago and now, it's been over a week since I've seen him and he hasn't called or anything- I have been giving him lots of space, only called once on Thursday and that's it. All I really want in my life is somebody to be with.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm partially responsible (if not completeley responsible) for the kind of men I attract into my life- and I know my energy can be needy and that in itself makes me more pissed. Because I want to change, and everything feels like it's happening too slow. I am tired of being so broken, so empty, so BROKE, so unsupported, so fucked up, so angry, and so EVERYTHING.

That's that!

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