Dear Diary,

Well somehow I've just fallen behind. And it's not like I've been going to bed early, either...

Yesterday I called Smitten... figuring it had been 7 days and it was okay to call. He always rushes to pick up the phone when I call and sounds happy to hear from me (- yet he never reaches out on his own to contact me- weird). And he flirts madly. He said he's been a little depressed, living where he is, and that he's been working A LOT... because he wants to have enough money to move here.

It's a mystery to me, more mixed messages. And, I notice I seem to be attracted to depressed men. M was definitely depressed, as was Frank, who always got down on himself. What's up with that?

Anyway Smitten had to run and go work, but he sent me a poem he had recently wrote - the theme being heartbreak and scary landscape and at the end there's some dewdrops and new love and hope.

At least that's what I got out of it. I am supposing he sent it to me for a reason, to tell me something, but truth be told I am really BAD at deciphering poetry... poetry is not my thing. I hardly ever understand it, and most of the time I find it really boring. A book of poems is about as useful to me as.... something that's really not useful.

However, that's what I'm guessing it means and maybe he's trying to tell me something, but there doesn't seem to be a clue in there about why someone wouldn't call someone else. Sigh.

Then I got on with my day, running late of course. Partially because I was on FB and this girl, we'll call her Ama, started messaging me that she had met Elliot via my FB page (I suppose he friended her because he tries to steal all my friends from FB) and that he was a terrible person and had violated her and etc. What? It was all very frantic and I kept saying, WHAT HAPPENED. To which she would reply something akin to "He crossed the line and is a terrible person and he is a wolf in sheeps clothing and has no respect for me as a woman or as a person." Okay, I say, I hear you're upset. But what did he DO. Then I would get three more sentences like the previous one, with a lot of projection and conjecture on his character, but no actual details of an event. Plus she would disappear for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, because I guess she was at work.

Now here's the interesting part- I believe that Ama is actually the woman that Elliot was telling me about the other night... the girl that he started to fool around with, then she wanted him to be monogamous and he said he couldn't do that and then they fooled around again and she said maybe they could try it... but she was already getting jealous and crazy and then he broke it off. At least that's his story.

Her story is that he 'crossed a lot of lines' by trying to act like a teacher to her and telling her how she felt and then talking about ME - saying that he and I had gone out and I wanted him to forgo all other women for me but he said he wouldn't. And then the story gets kind of fuzzy there, she said he said some mean things to her and hurt her feelings.

Her story contains no mention of sexual contact between them or the whole monogamy/polyamory conversation.

Knowing both people- Ama actually went out with Red once, and that's how I met her- I can guess that both stories are valid. I can see from each person's point. Elliot is not very good at respecting other peoples' boundaries in general because he just assumes everybody is like him and they will say something or do something if they don't like what's going on. He also talks constantly and doesn't realize that to have a conversation the other person should actually be involved and his droning on and on about his own experience is not that interesting.

Ama has a bit of a victim mentality in general so I could also see that yes, to her, Elliot's behavior is very bad but also she doesn't take a whole lot of responsibility for herself. And she went out with him TWICE, so why did she do that if he were such a terrible person, and she didn't mention the sex stuff to me, so it's quite possible she feels hurt and rejected by the fact that he would not commit to her.

I'm not really sure what happened, and somehow I feel both 1) that I should feel some particular way about this because a woman is accusing a man of something 'bad'- but I'm not quite sure how bad it is, and 2) I don't want Elliot telling people we were dating, because how bad does that look for me? and also how he twisted the story around re: that I 'wanted' him to be monogamous- I never said that. I said I wanted a monogamous man. I never ever proposed that he changed for me.

So wondering if I need to say something to him about shutting up about me. Drag.

The day got more interesting because I was running off to meet John for tea, which in itself is unusual because John specifically called me to hang out, which he has never done before. I thought that maybe he was feeling down or something, since he is out of work and struggling to make ends meet... that maybe something was upsetting him.

So I get there and we are talking about all kinds of things, and I'm thinking okay maybe it is just about the need to socialize because nothing is really coming out about any of that. Then somehow we segue into talking about dating etc and that's when he drops the bomb- that he has an attraction to me and is "offering" to be there in my life... I guess as a potential love/boyfriend interest... which threw me for a loop. There are definitely elements that I've been attracted to in John in the past, but because of work I usually don't think about those things at all... I try to keep everything separate regarding that. So we talked about that openly, and basically the idea is that I was thinking about it, but I think I'm already getting an intuitive "no" about the whole thing. John is a great guy and, I just don't feel that way about him... and, I don't want to complicate my work situation... and, I am attracted to people more so than him.

Still, I notice the communication is getting better in my life with men in general, so that's nice to have.

But the whole afternoon sent me for a whirl.

To make the day more complicated, I had set up a dinner date with the guy from the internet dating site... the one who, back in September, was supposed to email me before 3pm about our date but I left the house at 3:10 so I never knew where to meet him; I got home and saw that he had mailed at 3:27pm and I was so disgusted, after months of waiting for M, that I had to wait for one more man and I was just done with it and shut down my profile...

So he's 3:27 guy. We were having trouble reaching each other today in that I called him in the afternoon, he wasn't there... he left me a message... then I called him again, no answer... then he called finally from his cell phone when I was in the bathroom- I called him right back no answer. I was getting really frustrated because I was starving by that point, and you know how irritating it is when you miss someone by a minute and they don't pick up the phone... so first I thought I would get my eyebrows done to make use of the wait time, but I went to the eyebrow place and it was GONE- replaced by some jewelry store. Damn! Where's a girl supposed to get her eyebrows done?

Then I was searching for a taco place when he called me back. I debated for a few seconds whether to pick up the phone or just say fuck it, it's not meant to be, obviously... but I did pick up the phone and I met him for dinner.

He's too old for me- and I don't even necessarily mean agewise- he's actually the same age as Smitten, but Smitten acts 20 years younger. 3:27 is stodgy, stuck, with a slight spare tire in the belly- he looks sad (why do I attract depressed men?!) and it feels like he complains a lot... he has a sense of humor at least but I could tell also he was intimidated a bit and unsure of himself so that was not a turn-on. We had a really nice dinner and he paid, but he was cheaper on the tip than I would have been. Then he walked me to the bus and that was that. I think he knows that we don't really go together, so fine, the date is over, I got a nice meal out of it, he had whatever adventure he had, and now we can both move on.

The whole day felt very chaotic, one thing after the other. I came home and had my conference call with Ginny, then I went to bed too late.

Whew!

Today I was supposed to have lunch with Emily, but she canceled because she had to go have something done with her passport. Oh well. We are supposed to have dinner tomorrow so I hope we can keep that part of the plan.

I really should sit down and do my taxes, unfortunately I can't really find my credit card statements from last year that I really need.... so I might have to do some digging. I lot of write-offs on that credit card.

Guess I should get on that.

Picked cards for Smitten and got:
King of Swords
The Tower
The Star
The Lovers

Wow.

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