Dear Diary,

Wanted to sleep more yesterday but I had to get up and call Emily, and confirm what time we were meeting for lunch. Met with her about 1:30pm, and we did indeed have a long, leisurely lunch! We ate all appetizers and I told her about Smitten, she talked about Mr. G, we talked about work and all things.

I am concerned about Mr. G but she seems to be going ahead with the plan to figure out a way to move to be with him. Even though he is practically pushing her away. Oh well it's not my life, and she has to do whatever she must do to learn her life lessons and have her experiences!

I noticed yesterday how terrible I felt, once again exhausted. After I ate I felt a bit better. But now that I know I actually have a health problem, I am noticing it more (the exhaustion) as a sign that something is not right, rather than just thinking it's life...

In any case, Emily had invited Pansy and her sister to come to lunch, but they were two hours late. In the end it worked out because Emily and I got all that time to ourselves. When Pansy and her sister came, they brought Pansy's sister's baby, and then a lot of the focus was on them and talking about the baby. So the timing was actually perfect.

Steffy dropped by also at the end, when we were paying the bill (why do I say we? it was a fancy restaurant and you know that Emily paid!). Steffy looked exhausted, having covered for her boss all week. Also I got to hear about her reconnection with Matt- even though all us girls told her to wear her worst underwear and not shave her legs, so she wouldn't sleep with him- apparently she did not do that, and "something happened"- I'm not sure exactly what- but something not really in line with Steffy's intention to only be with guys who want marriage and children like she does... she was asking for advice and basically I laid it on the line for her- she worries about Matt and his feelings way more than he worries about her. She has to think of herself first and foremost... this is the guy that disappeared consistently, and never gave her feelings much clout.

I told her to do what I had done with Don- to first make a list of all the non-negotiable items that she needed from a man. Then, whenever she had any encounters with Matt, she would compare them to the list, and write down any discrepancies- such as, "Does not want marriage/kids" "Will not talk about feelings" "Doesn't call". It may sound cruel, but in my opinion it is the only way to battle female hormones, which are adaptable and will convince us that we can love even the most unavailable guy. I reminded her that if he could not give her what she wanted, he was taking her time and energy away from getting what she did want- she admitted he had already done that, and her eyes filled with tears. Poor Steffy. I just don't want to see her make the same mistake twice (she and Matt had already gone out for a year and half, which was frustrating for her-) and the same mistake I had made with Alphie and numerous others. Gah.

Obviously I worry about my friends a lot when I should probably be worrying more about myself and my own messed-up love life. Yesterday I sent Smitten a photo, a practice we previously embraced. He sent one back about 20 minutes later. Since photography is his hobby, I think this might be part of Smitten's language. We do not send photos of ourselves, but rather things on the street or in a store window or something in nature...

So anyway he did send one back, something that looks like stars or snowflakes, I'm not sure. Pretty though. Maybe he's just the type of guy that doesn't call unless he knows he'll be able to be there and pay attention- not sure. I can't worry too much about it. Maybe, maybe maybe. Maybe he's still figuring out if he's ready to take the risk of being with someone again. Maybe... something else. Who knows.

I guess it's all an opportunity to continue to explore what I need and how I can learn to nurture myself, so I can eventually have a real relationship where Duck doesn't get completely lost... because that's not a real relationship.

Hm. I digressed a bit- after lunch yesterday all five of us (6, if you count Pansy's niece) walked around a bit, Steffy bought some flowers and gave me half, so now I have roses in my kitchen. And Emily bought me some footpads that are supposed to suck the toxins out of the body. I tried one last night... you stick it on the bottom of one foot, and in the morning the pad is black with all the icky stuff it's pulled out of you. Well okay. Mine was certainly dirty, and at this point I'll try anything. It also made my foot a little tender, so tonight I'll put one on the other foot.

Then we all parted ways and I went to work, which ended blessedly early, then to the grocery store, and home, where I think I must have been in bed around 12:30... and I slept a lot and could have slept more, but I had to get up for my nutritional consult.

The consensus is more protein, no more cow dairy, and go completely off any kind of processed sugar. Which will be hard as... I dunno. But... I am already doing better, avoiding wheat, and my sugar cravings have not been nearly as bad as they used to be... actually I would say that I don't really have "cravings" anymore, now it's just a matter of habit. I am sure I can get better, and I will try adding more fruits in an attempt to phase out sugar. The trick for me is not to beat myself up about anything, because that tends to just make everything worse. I have to celebrate my little victories with pride, and concentrate on doing better next time, if I do indeed make a mistake.

I was told that diet is responsible for about 85% of what's going on with my health... so, uh... yeah... that's pretty huge! But I need to alter it, as my life depends on it!

Today will most likely be a restful day where I will work on taxes, go for a walk, and maybe take a nap.

Jerry and I were supposed to hook up around this time this week... but he never contacted me. Then he's on FB saying he's free this weekend. Oh, those distracted boys! If you don't have your pussy right in their face, they apparently forget all about you.

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