Dear Diary,

Getting a late start today- I went to bed around 1am, woke up a few times- once with a nightmare of sorts- and then slept till about 11am. Holy crap! I must be tired.

The nightmare: I was at my parents house, going through stuff... stuff that I apparently had just shoved into a pile or bag without having time to look at it... kind of like my life now. And I came across a package that I recalled a man had given me in an airport, and asked me to mail it for him. But I had never mailed it, instead just stuck it in this pile and forgot about it. For whatever reason, I put my ear up against the package and heard ticking. Holy crap! A bomb! and I ran into the kitchen to tell my mother... all excitedly I was telling her, there's a bomb in this package, it's ticking, what should I do, should I tell Dad? I was really scared. And my mother said not to tell my father because he would be angry (?! I guess because I hadn't mailed the package? not sure of this one). So I ran back and got the package and took it outside- it was nighttime, dark outside, and I was running, running running for my life to try to get away from the house, not knowing how big this bomb actually was, and I wanted to get as far away as possible. In the dark I was suddenly doused with water, because I guess I ran through a sprinkler (my parents actually don't have sprinklers!) but now I was wet, scared and running. I finally threw the package on the ground, and kicked it like a professional soccer player into the furthest corner of the yard. Then I woke up, feeling all the adrenaline running through my body about this fear... it was interesting. Especially since I probably can't kick a bomb to save my life. Ha!

So... hmm... was thinking about it, some parts of it feel true to life. The part about my father getting angry at whatever... I was always afraid of his anger. And these points:

1. Something I've forgotton. A memory that's like a ticking time bomb (something someone else gave me; it was never even mine!).

Sexual abuse comes to mind, but who knows.

2. The lack of my parents' support- my mother not knowing what to do, my father being angry...

How true to life! Could be anything ranging from just simple emotions to what I mentioned above.

3. My own feelings of anger- I do remember being angry at this bomb- angry that I was so scared and that it was there, and that I had to try to get it as far away from me as possible.

Hmm, but what is the significance of being doused with water?

So. There you go.

I fell back asleep and had other dreams, but I don't remember them now.

Yesterday was an interesting day indeed. I watched myself turn into a crazy person! First and foremost I knew I had to get laundry done, so I tackled that. I had to make two trips to the laundromat to get all the clothes over there. Then, I also wanted to make soup. Because I am crazy. Here was the plan:

I told you that when Smitten comes here to work/visit, he stays with his friend Jimmy. Jimmy seems to be a nice enough guy, and I actually thought Bethany might find him interesting. I don't know if the affection would be mutual, but there's always a chance. So Bethany and I were trying to figure out a way that they could meet. Plus, Jimmy seems pretty cool to me, and as I mentioned before, if I met him first, there might have been some kind of attraction, or at least a date. And... I kind of wanted to make contact with Jimmy just in case he would say anything and give me any information about Smitten. I know that is terrible and high school, but give me a break, people. You already know I'm in therapy.

So I got this idea that I would make contact with Jimmy- I wrote him an email (he had given me his card to email him and send him a link to something) and just let him know that my friend Steffy had met him the other day at a restaurant, and I hoped he was well, and I was going to be making some soup and would he like some, maybe I would drop it by his house.

He responded that he would like that very much, and we made plans for me to drop by yesterday. So this soup takes about 2hrs for me to make it, usually, and in the midst of laundry I decided to run to the nearby grocery store- it is not my first choice of groceries, especially produce, since they don't have an organic section. I went in there but found that I couldn't bring myself to make a soup for Jimmy with non-organic vegetables. I don't know why, but I have to buy organic, because otherwise I am just thinking about all the chemicals and pesticides in vegetables- particularly fresh, not cooked.

So. I decided I couldn't do that to Jimmy. So I put my things in the dryer, ran all the way to the other store which is a 15 minute walk one way. It took extra time, that's for sure. Came home. Went to get the laundry. Brought that home. Started the soup. Hung up the wet clothes. Whispered under my breath that Bethany better appreciate this.

Surprisingly I got myself together and I was only 15 minutes later than I told Jimmy I would be. It seemed he had been in the house all day, and a little down on such a gray day. Artistic types are like this. I gave him the soup, we chatted. When I first came in and sat down he said, "Have you emailed Smitten recently?" I said no, not recently. He said, "Oh. Out of sight, out of mind?" What?! This was crazy, and I think my face showed my surprise. "No... I called him... a couple times. He doesn't really call me." (Now I wish I had just responded, "No way! I have a little crush on him!" but I didn't think of it). So anyway this made me start to wonder if Smitten is more depressed than I know, and if I should be calling him more. Who can tell? I feel like I'm the boy here. This is not my job.

Then Jimmy showed me some stuff he'd been working on with his computer, he put a meditation on and we did that. Then he ate some of my soup and said it was delicious, and I had to go to work.

Now what happened in between all this... I think at some point when I was on my way to pick up my laundry or what have you... is that I got a text from Elliot that said something like,

"Was setting up a session with nutrionist and he mentioned having a session with you. I know you carried away from that that you have to do less dairy, and he said that sugar is the primary culprit in your diet after I mentioned that you and I discussed it. Writing you this to offer clarity as it appeared to me by circumstance. How was that for presentation of unsolicited info?"

This of course with Elliot's usual helpful tone and trying to make a joke at the end, but it sent me into a rage. Why was he discussing my PRIVATE nutritional consultation with the nutrionist? My guess is that since he is the one that introduced us, he made it seem that he and I are closer than we actually are (previously evidenced by his dramacized retelling of our "romance" to Ama) and that he gave the nutritionist the impression that he was in on my personal session information.

Two, I already knew the sugar thing because yes, it came up in the session, and when I mentioned to Elliot that I had a session in the first place, I had just mentioned dairy because that came up- and I already KNEW about the sugar.

Three, Elliot has NO IDEA about my journey with food, or sugar... if you have read even three entries of this diary, you will know that I have been struggling with an addictive relationship to sugar for almost 13 years, as a result of having a surgery that traumatized me, and developing a compulsive overeating disorder immediately after that. I KNOW how I should eat. I have STRUGGLED for years with the actual prospect of doing it, AS WELL AS the self-judgment at my failings of doing so. I am AWARE of the problem and didn't even need a nutrionist to tell me so, let alone a long-ass text message from some busybody that doesn't know anything about me in this regard.

I was so mad, I called Elliot up and told him right there. That is MY private consultation. I know you are concerned about me and my health, but if you want to help me, you need to ASK me what you can do for me. Do not go butting into my personal affairs because it feels INVASIVE and we will NOT be friends if you do this. I knew this about sugar and you do NOT know my history with food.

Elliot apologized, sincerely, and said he wouldn't do it again. Then I called Serena and double-checked with her, because I was so upset and value her opinion. She pointed out that the nutritionist had also been in the wrong, because even if Elliot had given the impression that he knew me really well, a practitioner of any sort should never give out personal information like that.

So I called said nutritionist and told him as well. That a private consultation should be PRIVATE. And I told him that I already had awareness and issues and what Elliot had done and how I felt invaded and that what if I had a serious health issue, like a disease or something really serious, how could I ever trust that this guy would hold confidentiality in a session if he just went blabbing to anyone?

He apologized too, and thanked me for calling because he said it helped him to see that even something that seems mundane is still personal and doesn't need to be shared like that.

I wasn't even that triggered by the fact of the sugar topic- but more what felt like the invasion of my privacy. For Christ's sake, people!

So all this was going on in between laundry and shopping and soup and my visit to Jimmy. Huh! Then I went to work and that was okay, a little slow but I hope it will pick up.

After talking to Jimmy, I relented a little on holding back from Smitten and sent him a photo. He sent back a photo of roses almost immediately. That guy loves pictures. Then later I called, but had to leave a voicemail. I got back a text a bit later saying, "Hey you!!! I really was missing you today!!! I'm in a meeting right now. Will be here till we're done :-) gotta get it done for tomorrow morning! Call ya tomorrow! :-) xxxxx"

Now you see, this is the kind of feedback I get... I thought this was extremely sweet and wrote back, asking him when he is coming back, and sent him a photo, which apparently he thought was really juicy, because he wrote back 4 times all these things he wants to do to me.

So when will they happen? I don't know. Somebody mentioned that Venus is in retrograde and that means that romances are stalled everywhere, until April 17th. So I'm not holding my breath as it may be another month before I even get kissed!

(Sigh).

Oh, yeah, I got tagged! Six things that make me happy:

1. Traveling. I love an adventure, especially when I get to be by the ocean. I also like being able to see my friends that live far away. I feel very lucky. Right now I travel once a month, usually to the same place for school, but sometimes side trips. I like it!

2. Learning. I love learning new things! I have a lot of interests and it always excites me to be a student. Sometimes I don't always stick to things, like certain types of dancing or languages... but... I guess it's good to have lots of experiences in life, even if you try something and end up not liking it!

3. Love. I love love; I can't help it. Apparently I am wired for it. I study it, I love it so much... even though I've never had a relationship that lasted longer than two years, I so want a serious relationship, somebody to be with. Even though my heart's been devastated so many times... especially this last time... I even surprise myself that I can believe it might be possible again. Love makes me happy, what can I say?

4. I suppose I could say sex too... I mean I know sex is not love but sex makes me REALLY happy!! Do I have to be talking about things that make me happy NOW? Because I'm not having sex right now... uh... let's see, sadly I have not had sex in a year and a half... but that's because I only have sex with people I care about and who care about me... and when that's going on...well... I'm happy!

5. Order. As bizarre as this seems... when my house is clean, my laundry's done and my clothes are put away... when I know my basic schedule for the month, this creates a certain kind of harmony for me. It is not the case today. I hope it soon will be.

6. Dancing. Makes me happy, feel alive, and remember who I am.

Gonna put on some music now!!!

Love,
Duck

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