keep moving [ 2009-03-16, 2:02 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I am feeling quite disheartened. I did not make enough money to cover the cost of my work expenses this weekend. I won't even expound on how disappointing that is. I probably have to cancel some things too...

I am also feeling lonely. I want to connect with someone, but it's not happening. I saw John yesterday, he stopped by work. No, I never told him my decision, that we could never date... really, I meant to do it... like last week. But I kept forgetting to call him. That's how terrible I am.

I suppose I could call him today, wouldn't that be a great way to start a Monday...

I felt like calling therapist and canceling therapy for tomorrow. I am really feeling the squeeze, financially, and I don't know if it's helping to even bother to go to therapy. And I knew that if I called, I would probably have to have a conversation with her about how much she thinks I need therapy, and the reason I can't afford therapy is because I feel like I don't deserve things, so I need to pay for more therapy, but really, where is that money supposed to come from? That's the hard part.

But I didn't call, and now it's too late anyway. So I will go, and no doubt we will talk about money anyway. I cannnot make money come out of thin air, so she'll just have to understand that.

Part of me really wants to call Smitten, as well, but what's the point? I am tired of being confused in relationships, trying to figure out if someone "likes me" - I mean really. Shouldn't it be obvious? But then again, it seemed really obvious with M. He called me all the time, but turned out to be unavailable as hell.

I know I am sinking into a downward spiral right now, I know it's not good. I need to turn my head around, pick myself up, and put my energy back into my work- both personal and professional!!

Okay- so I just left this entry sitting and went for a walk, talked to Bethany on the phone, came home and ate some protein. Which is good for me because I really hadn't eaten well yet today.

I also called Marva. Marva is being weird, and I know it is because she is in a relationship with Ben. She thinks she is special to him, and sometimes I catch her saying nasty things about Marie. She feels, I am guessing, that she is closer to Ben than Marie, more special- what she fails to realize is that Ben is fucking at least 20 other women, also without a condom, convincing them that THEY are special, they are the one.... I don't know what Marva expects in the end, but we don't talk about it. Then she disappears, and when I do talk to her she is very vague about what is going on with her. In the end it doesn't matter- she will most likely get hurt by Ben's behavior- I can only help her if she asks or wants help. But I know Ben, and I know life with him is twisted. I know that because I know his ex-wife, who is still involved with him on some level, and I know that Marie basically can't leave him, because whatever he does to women damages them so deeply that they never seem to bounce back. Sad, but true.

So now I'm going to take a shower and get ready to go to work. I might see if I can stop by Jimmy's and get my soup container. You never know if there will be more information there.

And it's good to keep moving.

Love,
Duck

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