things to be depressed about, and more [ 2009-03-19, 12:29 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Today I got a little depressed. About several things.

1. I went to Bethany's dance class today. I didn't really want to go, but I know she's having a hard time filling up her class. It ended up being me and one other person. I hardly feel like moving. It is difficult for me to tell the difference between exhaustion and laziness, but I think I might be exhausted. Afterward we went and had lunch, so that was nice.

2. I called Smitten today, and left a message, and he didn't call back all day. Kinda bummed me out. I know he's busy, and maybe he'll call back tomorrow. I know I have abandonment issues, and I hate them. And I hate that those very abandonment issues cause me to choose guys who are more prone to abandon me. It sucks.

3. I have realized that I have uncovered another layer of feelings about M- anger, and a deep sadness still. My heart still feels broken, even if I do like someone else. I must have been seriously shattered. When I think of M, my heart swells with pain. Even now.

4. Work sucked. I am not making any profit. I don't know how I will survive at this rate. Another client backed out.

5. I went to the grocery store and everything seems more and more expensive, as I have less and less money in my pocket.

6. I feel like I am in a losing battle with sugar. It is simple for someone to say, "Stop eating this, that and that," it is simple to think I can do it. But the cravings and the feelings that are happening to me make me feel completely powerless. I have been fighting this battle for a very long time. I know exactly what I should do, but I can't seem to make myself do it. I don't know where to go from here. My whole relationship with food feels unmanageable. And the last thing I want is for someone to step in and help me. Because I feel like no one understands. And I have heard all the advice before. And I know all the nutritional angles. I am just stuck.

7. I was telling Keith my dreams and in usual Keith fashion he says it means I am ready to be with a guy. But he doens't think Smitten is the guy I'm going to be with even though I keep dreaming about him. That did kind of bum me out because I don't really want Keith telling me stuff. Gail thinks it means something will happen with Smitten. Either way, I know both of them to be very wrong about predicting the future. I tend to think Gail is better at it than Keith- Keith is better at other things. But still. I would like to think that I'm getting off this relationship merry-go-round soon.

I guess it doesn't matter so much... I should do my best to be happy with myself regardless. And someone will come. I am just feeling down. Even though I hardly fit in my pants, I look pretty darn good naked and I just wish I had somebody around that appreciated it.

I talked to John today, and pretty much laid it out that I am not interested in him. It was difficult, and I guess I was avoiding it because it was almost 2 weeks ago now that he confessed it. But now I'm glad that I told him and that's closure and now we can just go back to being friends, or whatever. You may be asking why I don't just hook up with John, since he's into me and I'm complaining that I want a man... well... I'm just not into him, that's for sure. He's nice, and reasonably good-looking, just a little stiff for me- and not that funny at all. And did I mention unemployed? It's just not for me.

I guess I will go to sleep, and hope that life is better in the morning.

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