Dear Diary,

Today I slept in very late, had lots of dreams. One where I had a lot of stuff- bags of gifts and things- I might have been in an airport? and I was aware that I had to try to fit all these things into my suitcase.

There was other stuff too, trying to get a DVD back into it's box, accidentally walking in on some people who were either making out or having sex... I'm not really sure since they were behind a bar in a family-room type place...

In any case, it definitely seems about getting organized, putting all my ducks in a row, gathering my stuff and preparing to move forward.

I suppose I should bring all that into my real-life existence and clean this place up. It is indeed, trashed- clothes, books, papers, etc. And I never finished my taxes. No excuse except the usuals, depression and procrastination.

I wonder if life really can get better for me. I've always had a "propensity" for depression- but is it really some defect in my being, or is it because I have a whole lot of feelings I was never able to express? That is indeed a question. How long does it take to dump out a quarter-century worth of feelings plus? Does anyone know?

Maybe just a little everyday and life would improve. I don't know.

Last night Steffy called for some advice. Seems she has a crush on this new guy she has met in the last few months. They have seen each other a few times, in a group situation that they both hang out in, but they are not dating. They talk, and maybe flirt a bit? They exchanged a few emails. Steffy was being very careful about her responses- the wording and frequency- from her roommates, me, and some other woman that she spends something like $250 an hour talking to (I can explain more about that later).

So apparently some text message banter started between them, and he apologized for something he said in an email, about Steffy's toenail polish or her dancing or something, thinking that perhaps it was too forward. Steffy said it was fine, and why shouldn't he talk about his feelings? Kind of thinking she was giving him permission to open up and be intimate with her, I guess.

Well what ensued is rather funny but also a little scary, kind of like a S3x in the City situation! This guy started sending her numerous text messages (in one evening) about her toenails, and maybe she should check out this website with these polish colors... and something about her dancing being sexy... and something else about how he was jealous about her going for a massage because he would "envy the man on top of her."

Ew. Right. He went over the line, not realizing how to flirt, and possibly has a foot fetish, is what I told Steffy. She was super turned off, as you can guess, and didn't know how to make him stop. Keep in mind that they have never dated or kissed, or even been alone anywhere. Also the group activity that they have shared is actually a spiritual one so there was never this level of flirting or type of humor within the group. Steffy wanted my opinion and I told her that her first mistake was even having this exchange over text messaging, because now of course he is just barraging her with texts, unable to see her face or her reaction, and he is just burying himself deeper and deeper while she is getting more and more turned off.

While I was explaining to her my 24hr+ response rule to text messages, Luke called... haha. There you go. But I didn't pick up because I was busy with Steffy.

Now Steffy is really not sure she even wants to see this guy ever again. Her whole view on him has changed. She had told him (she felt clearly) to CALL her so they could hang out. And he just texts along. Oh how I know it well. I told her she has a choice: either to ignore these texts completely and if he calls to make plans, she can take it from there. Or, to text him back and say anything from, "This is a little too much. Please stop texting me." to something more direct and cutting it off completely.

I don't know what she's going to do. She called me again last night but I was already in bed, and she didn't leave a message. But I do feel that my technique saves me a lot of hassle and annoyance.

Luke left a voicemail and I called him back and left him a message- the ring had a beep on the end so I could tell he was on the other line. He didn't call me back, so maybe he is playing games with me- he is a player after all and probably gets all kinds of women to chase after him, but I refuse to do it. It's too bad because it's a nice day outside and we could have hooked up, but really, I am not feeling devastated by the loss. I know that Luke is just practice for me having really good boundaries and not losing myself. The guys I like, like M and Smitten, are more of the real deal and those are the true challenges, and also the guys I really want something to happen with.

So about M. I can't even tell you what I wish for. I don't think much about calling him anymore, because I still feel heartbreak and even some anger. I guess it is all another layer. I know time just keeps going on, and sometimes I worry that he may have thrown away my stuff. But then I think no, I don't think he would have done that. Or maybe he did. But I guess it's no big deal.

I wonder what he thinks- does he think I'm mad, or that I 'cut him off' with feelings much the same way I did Frank? That's not really true. With Frank, I was really done. He tried to contact me but my thinking was, "You fucked up dude, so fuck off," I don't really think that way about M. I am massively hurt, but I guess still in love with him. I would be okay with him contacting me.... but I want him to do it. Not me. It has to be him, because he's the one who left. I never wanted to let him go, and I think he knows that. Or, at least, he should realize it.

But, as evidenced by the earlier part of this entry, men aren't always so good at figuring it out.

No word from Smitten. That makes me sad too. Which is another opportunity to look at my abandonment issues. I need to get a better sense of self, of deserving. A sense of, oh well, this dude doesn't want to hang with me, but I know I'm cool. Not shattered and devastated by someone else not showing up.

That's a lot of work.

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