Dear Diary,

I found a card for Smitten- a simple blank card, with a hummingbird on the front. I don't know why but it seems like something I should send him.

Yesterday I felt really angry. I spent most of the morning and afternoon working on the computer, which I think made me grouchy. Then I went for a walk, but it didn't help much so I did some anger release. And I was waiting for Ginny to call me about work and getting annoyed about that too. There was one point where I was kind of realizing that my blood sugar might have been off and I couldn't tell if I was angry or hungry. Well THAT'S interesting...

Ginny finally called and we settled things. Unfortunately I broke a glass trying to answer the phone and juggle a bunch of things at once. I went for a meeting with Carla, which was okay. She didn't annoy me as much as usual, because I think I prepared myself a bit more this time. I also kept it short on purpose. Meetings with Carla tend to go on and on because she starts talking about other things.

Even though Carla invited me to stay and eat something, I left and went and had something to eat on my own. Basically because I knew I needed protein and Carla was just making a salad. So after eating a burger (no bun) and salad I felt much better.

Then I went to the store and bought Smitten's card. It was really expensive, considering it's just a folded piece of paper! But hey, it's Smitten.

I took some things back to the library, and got a couple more fluff-books. By fluff I mean girly novels that usually involve a young single woman and maybe some romance. I can read them in a couple days and it just feels like a vacation!

Elliot had wanted to hang out, but I really didn't feel like it. I am not aware of being angry at him still, but I notice that after the incident of his nosiness with my nutritionist, I have been feeling pretty turned off about hanging out with him. So I took my time getting the card and going to the library, the whole thing... and he was actually leaving for his martial arts class by the time I called. He projected all these things onto me, like saying he could hear in my voice that I needed affection. Well. Not from him!!

So maybe I am angry at him. That's the thing about me and anger. Sometimes I just don't feel it, because I've trained myself not to. Instead I eat something to numb it out. And then somehow it gets turned inward toward myself. How do you like them apples?

I went to work. It was okay, but still slow. If I am lucky I will just break even as far as that goes. Literally, I do not have the money to pay my rent. Not even in savings. I have some money coming in after the 1st of next month, so it may be a matter of paying late. And that's all I can do.

I shut down my online profile. I hadn't been there for weeks and weeks, and when I went and looked at it the other day, I didn't have any new messages. Only a few guys viewed me, and apparently they weren't attracted by my nutty profile. And, 3:27 guy looked at me EVERY DAY. Every day, people! I don't know why... he called me before I left for Serena's class, and he was all self-deprecating with stupid jokes, because I yawned a couple of times... and he was saying how boring he was... ugh... it was so bad... he really DOESN'T have any self-esteem and it is really unattractive. So now he just looks and reads my profile everyday. Feels kind of icky. Nothing interesting was happening anyway, so I deleted it once again.

Today... maybe I'll go to the gym. Maybe.... do some taxes? Definitely got to get going on that.

Love,
Duck

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